It is hard to live here

In the constant face of irreconcilable extremes

I have plenty. You have nothing.

All I see is beauty. All you see is pain.

It is hard to work here

going back and forth in the constant face of need

The problems will never be solved

The work will never be finished

It is hard to concentrate

To focus on what needs to be done

One

At

A

Time

I’d rather think about myself

I’d rather be lost in entertainment

I’d rather go take a shower and go to sleep

*

Someone told me “Rachel, you give up so much.” I knew they were wrong–because I don’t. I love it here. I am living the life. I am comfortable, and I am loved. But at the same time, yes I do. Any true follower of Christ does, wherever they are located. Because they are called to lay down their lives for God, and He spends them on others. The poem above could be said by anyone, anywhere. And it is a constant battle for everyone, everywhere to choose if they really surrender all. Cheers to those who choose the amazing adventure:).

And moments like these:

I know I am on the right track.

(This is Mariana and I. She refused to let go of me during church because she was worried I would leave again.)

I am back in Brazil now…and it is pretty fantastic. My roommate returned to the USA, so the apartment feels very empty and echo-y without her. I am, for the first time, trying to decorate a bit, and finding it a many splendid thing…who knew there were so many stores with house-y things? I never really saw them before. After spending (for me) quite a bit of money, I decided that was enough of that. It is a slippery slope that I don’t want to fall into: decorating fever. Besides, the apartment is currently decorated by my luggage (that arrived safe a day after I did) which exploded everywhere in an attempt to be sorted.

Everything in Brazil begins again in February, so I have one more day to plan and get ready.

1. I am teaching classes (6-9th grade) and opening assembly at the International school, as well as starting a girl’s Bible study.

2. Cajueiro Claro Living Stones begins next week. We are getting a cook, and I will be running two days of the program, and Flavio the other two days (Mondays are off).

3. Paudalho finished the roof, and just has to put in electricity, windows, and doors before we can begin the Living Stones there. I am meeting with the leaders next week.

4. Flavio is starting a program in Mussurepe, two afternoons a week (like Living Stones). I will be helping as much as possible. Ricardo is hoping we can start Living Stones number 3 (or 4?) this fall in Lagoa De Iteanga.

5. Falub (my university) will be starting two nights a week. I think. I hope. That is what they’ve been saying since last July.

6. Next week I will begin teaching English on Sundays for the community in Carpina and Paudalho, leading Sunday school at Cajueiro, and on the worship team at Paudalho.

Thanks for your prayers!

Sitting next to family at church

Whispering to Anna

Arm around John

Laughing because church should include laughing

Convicted by the singing

They say more lies are sung on Sunday morning

Do you really want to live only

For His glory and pleasure?

Do you really surrender all?

Rowan doesn’t want to leave

He giggles as I squeeze him

And cries when he goes

My small connection made

Will he forget me before I return?

Start all over again

Friends say hello

Strangers introduce themselves

Questions asked

Gifts given

I love being sent

You can’t really leave until

You have someone to say goodbye to

If nothing really holds you

You are only going, not leaving

But I am overly blessed

I find myself continually coming home

Always a goodbye and a

Hello

Rowan’s first haircut:)

I am watching the colors as I write.

Last night was another amazing sunset, flying from Indy to Charlotte. I wonder if all sunsets look the same when you are up so high above the clouds. Magnificent.

Travel + Hot showers = Perfect

I am trying to figure out the magic of Rio. Here:

http://www.hostelworld.com/hosteldetails.php/Stand-Fast-Hostel/Rio-de-Janeiro/55293 source=adwordsrionames&kid=311083&aid=2&gclid=CPqRqZeW7K0CFQFY7Aod4WuFuQ

Sitting in a shop corner next to the Sugar Loaf mountains. Acai na Tigela is heaven in a bowl. The heat gathers that little pool of sweat in the small of my back. Acai brain freeze. Must. Slow. Down. My feet ache in sandals. They’ve grown wimpy from constant socks and shoes in winter weather.

I wanted to paint a picture of the little boy flying his kite from the roof of his favela. There is no sauce on my pizza. That is why Brazilians use ketchup. I am Brazilian today. What is going on? What did I do to get life this good, and how can I make it last forever?

I am sure the magic has to do with the meeting of the mountains and ocean, resulting beaches and beauty absorbed by thousands of people warmed by the tropics and fed from the lush fruit, building skyscrapers and a Christ Redeemer to watch over them.

I talked to a Carioca (girl from Rio) on the plane. She said they’ve made everything into a big hole, trying to fix roads and construction projects before the World cup in 2014. It takes her twice as long to get to work every morning. She said a typical expression is “God give me paticence because if you give me strength I will kill them.” I should steal this mantra.

1. Google hostels in Rio, and print out pages of cheap ones. Errr, safe ones (for mom).

2. When arriving in Rio, find a map and locate some possible hostels. I found a couple in one area, so headed there. I already saw Copacabana and Ipanema, so now I am in Botafogo. Besides, having basic knowledge of a map of Rio makes you feel smart.

3. Take the blue bus. Basically the only bus from the International airport to everywhere else. Note there are two airports. This can get confusing. Ask the nice bus driver to tell you where to get off.

4. Keep walking and keep trying hostels until you find one that fits you. Take a hot shower. Call your mother. Get something to eat. See this:

Verse for 2012: Titus 2:13-14 (the Message)”This new life is starting right now, and it is whetting our appetites for the glorious day when our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, appears. He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.”

Focus for 2012: Balance. Going strong, walking in the Light of what I know to do, what is right. Diligent, calm, and self-disciplined. But also living in the now, getting out there and finding the beauty and adventure in every turn.  Passion, joy, and creativity.

What I know works for me:

1.       Mornings: Jogging/workout (and praying), shower, and devotions of some kind—start out right! Get to bed by midnight. Study the names of God/who God is and memorize more verses.

2.       Sundays: Get off the media and focus on resting and time with God—get a Sabbath. Find healthy ways to rest and relax without feeling guilty.

3.       Limit: hulu/internet tv/movies: make a couple movie nights with others. Don’t just turn something on when I’m tired: take a nap or go get creative—read more books and do art.

4.       Physical: Eat as much fresh fruit and vegetables as possible, drink more water, and portion control—stay active! Be happy with my body and invest in myself and cooking.

5.       Home: make a place that feels like home and that I can bring others home to. Keep it clean and beautiful. Be there for my 14 people, and get some of them to Brazil.

6.       Living Stones: Paudalho reopened and going strong, Guadalajara and/or Lagoa de Iteanga, more fundraising within Brazil, kept up the blogs and communication. End the year with more money in the bank than when I started.

Do more:

1.       Traveling/exploring: find new road. Mediterranean? Bike long distance.  Pilgrimage.

2.       Socially things—get out there! Be more professional and be willing to wear high heels

3.       Worship nights with candles

4.       Appreciating and guarding my innocence and purity

5.       Bible studies. Write/do bi-weekly with girls at the school. More developing L.S. curriculum

6.       Listening instead of trying to fix things. Be present

Stop:

1.       What I know is wrong to do. More self-discipline

2.       Worrying about the future, trying to make things happen

3.       Texting while driving, not concentrating on what is right in front of me

Project (monthly) ideas for 2012:

1.       Write a NaNoWriMo thing—concentrate on bettering my writing

2.       Write a novel/dissertation on poverty similarities/differences in the USA/Brazil

3.       Creatively put together something about James, Proverbs, and 1 John (like I did John)

4.       Write a children’s book and paint a mural. At least one of each.

5.       Be comfortable driving a stick shift and a motorcycle—in Brazil as well

6.       Garden. Have one. Learn how to. Continue

7.       Spend at least a day in complete silence. Fast. Rice and beans fast…

8.       Learn to play the guitar

9.       Memorize and quote a long poem. Randomly

10.   Take a picture a day, draw a picture a day, or write 500 words a day monthly projects

11.   Learn and find the star constellations, watch lots of sunrises and sunsets

12.   Run half a marathon

Home for Christmas.

I got back December 15^th, just in time to see John’s karate matches. We bought a Christmas tree and had all of the resulting celebration that includes your waist expanding from all of the delicious food. Anna and Katie’s 2^nd annual girls Christmas caroling party. 

The week before Christmas included much more food, meeting with Steve, Bill, the Johnsons, Dr.Taylor, World Renewal, and putting together the end of the year financial reports for Living Stones and myself. Wonderful family get together in Ft.Wayne—I have the coolest cousins!

Christmas Eve was classic, with the Birthday party for Jesus, and then where everyone got together and Glee Christmas music played in the background while we watched the Muppet Christmas carol in the front ground and eventually finished decorating the Christmas tree and opened Carina presents.

Between Christmas and News years I visited with more old friends—and made new ones. Got a couple bruises from playing floor hockey at church, but got a couple goals as well. It really wasn’t until this week that I actually got unpacked. Opps. Got my car fixed—what was wrong? $200. Don’t ask me anything else about it because I don’t know. Met with the pastors from Community Church of Greenwood, and got to see more cool cousins.

2012 already? I haven’t finished my new year’s resolutions yet. Maybe today? We had our family traditional vacation to Madison, Indiana, which is always amazing, but this time even had a couch made out of duck tape. Yes. Really.

The second week of January I got to share with the children at Community church of Greenwood, and they really liked my piranha. I drove to Chicago where Carina left me for the Caribbean (I would have done the same), and I spoke at my cousin’s church and rotary club near Chicago (the newspaper lady at the rotary club is writing an article about it). I got to share at two Bible studies and Community Church of Greensburg as well. And now there is snow.

This next week is off to Peoria and Bloomington, meeting with and enjoying special people. Then the last Sunday (January 22^nd) I am sharing at my church, Horizon Central, and packing up. I will be leaving either Monday or Tuesday, making my way to Brazil on a companion pass which was another blessing to top off everything else.

Thank you so much for your prayers and love everyone…my cup runs over, as well as all the awesome stuff I get to take back to Brazil with me. grin.

“Duty is only washing your hands when they are dirty. I fell in love when I was 17—with God. A foolish girl with romantic notions about the life of a religious—but my love was passionate. Over the years my feelings have changed. He’s disappointed me, ignored me. We’ve settled into a relationship of peaceful indifference. The old husband and wife who sit side by side on the sofa, but rarely speak. He knows I will never leave him. This is my duty. But when love and duty are one—then grace is within you.” –The Painted Veil

Beautiful movie. God, I don’t want our relationship to be duty. I don’t want the side by side on the sofa. Ever. That’s not enough for me. Please Lord, don’t ever let it be enough. And it scares me God, because why? Why were You only that to the beautiful nun who gave her life for You? She gave up men and sex and children and roots and memories…

God, why does it seem that You abandon the ones who love you the most, while You romance so many who are indifferent to You?

Sometimes it seems like the ones who are faithful and diligent—well—like You leave them in the pen while You search after the stray. The 90 and 9, alone, while You get that one. Didn’t the 99 need You then too? People say it is because You trust them (the one like the nun), but I say that is a bunch of BS. It makes me want to run away, just to feel You coming after me. I would rather be punished by You than ignored. The crying child always gets more attention than the obedient quiet one. Not fair.

Would You ask just plain duty of me? I am scared to even ask You, because I suddenly realize I don’t know You at all, God. All my pathetic little sins and substitutes are my weak calls for something more—for some tiny vision of who You really are—that OTHER—that part that is so different from me: the non-human part that makes You God and me a mortal. It is beyond my mind and that kills me slowly—to know You would certainly kill me, but what a beautiful death.

How can I know You more? I don’t want to just see the love shown in movies, but the love I get just a glimpse of every once in awhile that stops my heart. Not just the extravagance I see in nature, but that sneaks up behind me and leaves just as I turn, so I am only left with a hint of what was. Every quality of You God is so deep, that humans only touch the surface of it all. Take me deeper. No matter what it takes.

Fun subject. again. Some of you, who actually read some of the many, many things I post here, read (or discussed with me) my essay about hell. Rob Bell’s book “Love Wins” brought up this subject, which is alive and relevant, but not fun. Necessary, but I get around it more than I should. After I wrote it, some people told me I was too weak in my stance, and Rob Bell was the devil’s messenger.

I like Rob Bell. He is a likeable guy. And I like his books. He has a great writing style, and an awesome design artist. His movies inspire me. I have learned a lot about God through Rob Bell’s stuff. There. I said it. Do I recommend him to everyone? No. I am careful. Do I agree with everything he says? No. I don’t agree with everything my mom says either. (And yes, I know she will read that) Do I think he is off on some things and that can be dangerous? Yes. If you haven’t figured out by now, the world is a dangerous place. And truth is mixed with lies and black and white make grey. Walk with the Holy Spirit. Let Him guide you. Fall down, and get back up.

That said, I have finally read the book that Francis Chan wrote in response to Rob Bell’s book. His book is called “erasinghell” (almost looks like raising hell. ha.) And I liked it too. I wish he would have addressed more of C.S.Lewis, as Rob Bell did quite often. Rob Bell is more interesting, and Francis Chan was more scholarly about it, but I really appreciated the spirit of the book–it was never a “I am out to skin Rob Bell alive” book. If it had, I wouldn’t have read it. Because I don’t care if you are right if you are going to blast it like that.

“erasinghell” was a call to quit being wimpy, and I salute that, while sighing, because I like my wimpiness. It was a call to get your little buddha/white/hippy god out of the way and get to know the Real Deal. And to tremble. And to realize you don’t get it. And you never will. Because you aren’t God. sigh of relief and pain. Here–my favorite quote:

“I often hear people say, “I could never love a God who would…” Who would what? Who would disagree with you? And do things that you would never do? Who would allow bad things to happen to people? Who would be more concerned with His own glory than your feelings? Who would—send people to hell?

But this makes about as much sense as the clay looking up at the Potter and saying, “I really think you messed up here, let me show you a better way to mold me.” Picture the absurdity! But we do it all the time.

In fact, I do it all the time.

It has taken me forty-three years to finally confess that I have been embarrassed by some of God’s actions. In my arrogance, I believed I could make Him more attractive or palatable if I covered up some of his actions. So I neglected speaking on certain passages, or I would rush through certain statements God made in order to get to the ones I was comfortable with. The ones I knew others would like.

I am just now seeing the ugliness of my actions. Like the nervous kid who tries to keep his friends from seeing his drunken father, I have tried to hide God at times. Who do I think I am? The truth is, God is perfect and right in all he does. I am a fool for thinking otherwise. He does not need nor want me to “cover” for him. There’s nothing to be covered. Everything about Him and all He does is perfect.

Yet sometimes from our human perspective, it’s tough to see exactly how God is perfect and just and good. “–Francis Chan

No apologies. Take it or leave it. But don’t stay the same.