August 24, 2012
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Homeness
How do I keep everything that is running through my head in my mind without forgetting it? Without losing it? Without going forward into new/old/different life? I have to hurry up and type it all out before I lose it. Before it goes away. I like the me I am. What I have learned. The distance that I currently have from everything. I am 37,000 feet in the air. But soon everything will come close, closer than I know how to deal with so quickly. What really matters? It is just one step at a time.
On a plane for 13 hours. Not sure how, but we passed two nights since on the way here we passed two days. My body is confused. So is my mind. But I want…to remember. Forget the rice and mushrooms that I ate every day for the past month and a half. Forget the harbor with its mountains and moody water that was sometimes aqua and sometimes black oil. I cannot forget. But I cannot live in it. I wave goodbye and bring a piece of memory, of flash, of insight back with me.
Orange juice in South Korea. Laughing too loud at movies on the airplane. Sleeping through take-offs and landings. I only unpack enough to pack up again. I forget that I don’t know how to go camping, but remember that I can do anything I put my mind to. And I put my mind to this: this path that includes a HIM. This is what new adventures looks like. One step forward–a beep, a buzz–information gained and smiles shared. Boyfriends seem so much more real when they are announced on facebook.
Show me light in my confusion. Or…just peace. I guess…I’ve learned enough to know I don’t need answers, I just need peace. Funny girl, you are almost 30. But your soul will never believe that.
“Show me a day when the world wasn’t new.” –sister Barbara Hance
