October 15, 2012

• Living My Name

  My name (Rachel), means “Little lamb.” It has the idea of innocence and purity. And that is part of my personality. But this world isn’t innocent or pure, and I spent most of my life trying to hide or be ashamed of that part of who I was.

  I tried not to blush at the sexual innuendos. I learned how to not look clueless when the lewd talk went over my head. I laughed at inappropriate jokes. When I went to the gym and a guy said, “So you’re a virgin huh?” I looked down at my body and thought, “Gosh, it shows? Where?”

  As I grew, I began to understand the power  and value of my innocence and purity. But like most lessons, you learn to appreciate most what you do not have anymore. I learned those jokes. I didn’t have to hide my cluelessness—I knew what they were talking about. And every time, I would look up and wonder where I went—where was me—that part of me?

  Hormones and sex drive hit me later than most girls and then I realized that innocence and purity are easy to keep when the box of experience is never opened. I then understood that most of my “virtue” was due to the lack of opportunity rather than strong morals. It is never a true virtue until tested.

  I fell off the purity bandwagon. I can still wear white to my wedding, but Jesus says the mind and heart are where it’s at and I muddied that up pretty well. And it has taken awhile, but I am getting back up. Serious enough about it that I am sharing this.

  But you know what my struggle is now? Now that I am really striving for purity, God keeps calling me farther in and further up. And I feel like if I go any farther I will become a prude. I learned it young: purity = prude. And now I get it: I felt like I had to hide my purity and innocence because that is what made other people feel bad. It made them feel uncomfortable and convicted about their own indulgence and impurity. And convicted people either change or lash out.

  A couple times of getting lashed out at and you begin to feel that YOU are the one in the wrong. I felt there was something wrong with me because other people didn’t want to stand up for their innocence and purity. We’ve got it all twisted. But majority rules in democracy and there was more of them than of me and so I lost.

  I want that part of me back. I want Rachel as the real Rachel: who values her purity. That is not a prude—that is beautiful, real, and vulnerable. I want to be the change I want to see in the world (thanks Gandhi). That is going to take awhile, and a lot of consistent work. But I want to see a whole generation of  “Rachels” who stand strong in the beauty of their innocence and purity.

  • 10:22 am
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