January 30, 2013
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What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You
By David Murrow.
So this guy has written some books like “Why Men Hate Going to Church” and “How Women help Men Find God” but I read this one first because…dang, what a juicy title:). I am on my “Get-a-million-books-out-of-the-library” thing. It happens every time in the USA. I am also on my “Study-relationships-more-and-what-to-do-since-you-are-finally-in-one” thing. Double whammy.
I copied out some quotes I found very interesting.
“Your husband’s problem isn’t the alcohol or the drugs or the porn or the fantasy football or the job or the money. He’s using these things in a vain attempt to release the boy from his cage. Hear me: your true husband is a boy who wants to play again. He wants to live pure and free. But he is imprisoned by forces he cannot comprehend. Most men do not recognize their own captivity. How can a man become like a child? By visiting the headwaters of his soul. He must go back in time to his childhood, to mourn the wounds and hurts that imprisoned him in the first place. He must revisit the bad stuff, bring it to the surface, and allow Christ to take those wounds onto himself. His need for self-protection will slowly melt away. The man who emerges will be the one you truly love the one you saw during courtship. The one who looked at you with such affection on your wedding day. The one who knows how to laugh and play and have fun. The one who is not only willing to die for you but is willing to live for you. But he cannot begin to protect others until he stops protecting himself.”
“For thousands of years humans all over the globe favored men in order to motivate them to do the dangerous jobs. Men were given an elevated place in society. Patriarchal societies survived longer because their men were more motivated to sacrifice themselves, egalitarian societies tended to die out. For five thousand years, sexism equaled survival. Here’s the ancient bargain women struck with men: guys, we’ll let you lead the parade, in exchange for the promise that you will feed me and the kids, and die for us if necessary. I’ll take the domestic sphere; you take everything else…Now, machines enabled women to become professional protectors and providers for the first time. Put a female behind the wheel of a combine and she can harvest just as much wheat as a man. Physical power is no longer key to survival of the human race—brainpower is.”
“Pornography is not about sex. It’s about being needed, looked up to, and desired. It’s about having power over a woman. Every man’s sexual fantasy involves as woman who desperately needs him.”
“Because humans are social and spiritual creatures, we tend to forget or deny the strong role biology plays in our earthly existence. Example: your husband is irritable for no apparent reason. You might assume he’s under spiritual attack, when in reality he is just hungry. Instead of praying for your husband, it might be far more effective to fix him a sandwich.”
“A man’s “nothing box” is one of the main ways we deal with the pressures of being a man. It’s into this box we go to escape the crushing expectations of modern life, the multiple demands on our time, the feelings we don’t know how to deal with, and the relentless prodding of Protector and Provider. Allow your man to spend a little time each day in his nothing box and he’ll love you for it.”
“For men, sex is the solution to every problem. Why do men believe this? Because their brain reminds them to have sex many times a day. Fedlhahn calls this sexual hunting. Men do it naturally. It is our natural desire to find a woman to mate with, programmed into our brains and bodies. Men are constantly on the lookout for a healthy young maiden of childbearing age who can carry our genes into the next generation. A man’s marital status does not affect this urge one iota. Even if a guy has a loving wife and great sex at home, his body still tells him to mate with multiple women. Here is something your husband hasn’t told you: the moment he enters a new space, he begins sexual hunting. His eyes scan the areas. He looks for the most attractive woman. Then he fixates on her. All the other women disappear. I hate this. For most Christian men, it’s actually tiring—a constant battle to maintain purity of the mind. We’d rather it didn’t happen, but it’s impossible to stop. This doesn’t mean I don’t find my wife attractive, but men are sexual hunters—and I’ve already captured my wife. Sexual thoughts are like any other addiction: the more you give in, the deeper the need becomes, but the more you resist, the easier it is to resist. You need to understand that your husband is under a constant barrage of sexual temptation. If he peeks at another woman now and then, don’t freak out. The next time you catch your husband stealing a glance at that girl in the bikini, don’t think to yourself “I’m so ugly, he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.” Instead, tell yourself, “the provider instinct is calling to him.” Then wrap your arms around him and say “I know you are tempted all the time, and I just want you to know how much I appreciate your faithfulness to me.”
“A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Men are happiest when they are doing something they are good at. When they can provide for themselves and their families without assistance from others. When they can figure something out by themselves. When they are performing at a high level. When their accomplishments are recognized. When they are the best at something.”
“Here is something your husband doesn’t tell you: he lives to please you. Making you happy is one of his greatest joys. You hold tremendous power over him. No one else can take him to the pinnacle of ecstasy or the depths of despair the way you can. Your face is a mirror that tells him how he’s performing as a man.”
hum dum…what do you think?
Comments (8)
Lots of ideas. I’ll pick two to agree with:
Yes, we are very happy when we are good at things.
Yes, we actually do get quite a kick out of pleasing a woman. A theory of mine is that women with more expressive faces get asked out more then women with less expressive faces.
One to disagree with: His opinions on the draw of pornography seem kind of juvenile. I would joke that for me, having a woman say “OH GREEK I NEED YOU” would be more likely to frighten my introverted self than arouse me.
@GreekPhysique - I’d tend to agree. I think porn is worked in sort of sloppily. In my opinion it’s a business that exploits one of the other deep seated desires of men (and women alike).
While I don’t agree with everything here, and think that it’s too apologist for mankind and seeks to provide justifications for behavior that boils down to self control -
““Here is something your husband doesn’t tell you: he lives to please you. Making you happy is one of his greatest joys. You hold tremendous power over him. No one else can take him to the pinnacle of ecstasy or the depths of despair the way you can. Your face is a mirror that tells him how he’s performing as a man.””
This quote hit me hard, because it’s exactly how I feel with my wife. I love it when she’s happy and looks happy, and feel helpless when she’s not, and seek to change it.
Interesting thoughts.
It’s all true, except the part about “the more you resist, the easier is is to resist.” I find that surrendering the resistance to someone better at it than me is more successful.
I think the degree of applicability in each quoted part above varies with individual guys, but all these points are true to men. Ladies, this points above will give you some light into the mind an motivations of the men around you, if you were wondering.
@GreekPhysique - thanks for the comments! feedback is such a lovely thing–although i have found i normally only get it when it is a controversial subject–or about sex. ha:) interesting theory–as a woman with a lot of facial expression…i must say i wasn’t asked out much. but it worked out ok for me;). Hope things are going well for you–i still read everything you post (sent to my e-mail) and greatly enjoy it…just don’t tell you often enough since i am not signed into xanga. happy 2013!
@striemmy - there was much more about porn in the book, i just didn’t copy it down. but i see what you are saying.
@cmdr_keen - personally, i seem to be trying to figure out the whole “how guys are made” and “self-control” as you said…getting into the male mind isn’t quite easy:). but i am glad to work on the happy thing, since it makes such a difference. thanks for your feedback!
@fresusjeak - yeah. getting into a guy’s mind is quite…the adventure:). i am trying to figure out the difference between surrender and resisting, and when which should be used in what situation. But yes, it does seem to be a different mindset–surrender in realizing you can’t do it, but God can…resisting in standing firm–but some people see it as trying to be self-relient…which will get you into trouble. thank you for the feedback!