“Alas…men talk about finding the perfect person in order to love him. Christianity speaks about being the perfect person who limitlessly loves the person he sees.” –Kierkegaard

Happy Valentine’s day. What? Even those in happy relationships have some kind of horror story from the past. And there is always that melancholy tug on holidays in general. Ugg. Perhaps it is because my expectations are so fuzzy. I am supposed to be waiting for someone else to make me feel happy, loved, wanted, right?

When I go out of my way to love, it is a beautiful day. So now, my first Valentine’s day with a valentine. Officially. Who is mine. My first ever. I am 30. It has been a long time coming. And it is still heart-tugging, because I am not with him. Exactly now. I was able to be with him a couple of days ago—an unexpected pleasure. But like most things, it quickly turns from gratitude in what was to ingratitude that I don’t see it still.

(he was Aslan in “Narnia”)

Our relationship is mostly long distance. Ouch. And he is busy. And I am busy. And when unbusy actually meets for a little bit, a phone conversation doesn’t include kisses and closeness. But I love him, and he loves me. And we work hard to make the other person feel loved. So I consider it a successful Valentine’s day.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love.” –Mother Teresa

I am in the in-between phase where I am not engaged, not planning a wedding, but thinking about how/when that will happen. When I have found the one my heart loves, and my heart keeps asking me “Then why are you doing anything else in life other than gazing into his amazing eyes?” And my brain can’t come up with any rational answers.

I have a life, I have a to-do list that is quite urgent, but it melts away so quickly to the thought of getting to talk to him, or write him, or anything involving him. Oh transitions, how you pester me. And how to do them gracefully. I read a book called “Altered: the true story of a she, a he, and how they both got too worked up about we.” Because in the heart-rush of the excitement of a relationship that is actually healthy and happy, it is so easy to close off and forget the rest of the world. The book is basically saying “Hey, what about the rest of the world we are called to love?”

“The only man who has the right to say he is justified by grace alone is the man who has left all to follow Christ. Such a man knows that the call to discipleship is a gift of grace, and that the call is inseparable from grace. But those who try to use this grace as an exemption from following Christ are simply deceiving themselves.” –Bonhoeffer

“When we overfocus on our own notion of marriage or family, we risk exchanging a “costly grace,” which requires us to follow Christ first, for a “cheap grace” that allows us to cling to our own plans. This is not to say that marriage and family won’t be a huge part of our lives—and a building block of our communities—but rather to remember that we cannot appropriate His words to our own plans. To follow Jesus means to truly seek Him before all other things, and that emphasis must not be lost on us. Discipleship is about much more than raising and protecting a Christian family, or succeeding at family in general. It is about seeking God first, before all things .” –Claire and Eli

One of the most romantic things my boyfriend ever said to me was that he loves me second best. After Christ. Because that is the only way it really works. And I love that. I need that. And I am scared about this transition. Because it is one thing to be single and travel and fall in love with Brazil and 170 children who live there. What about marriage? What about kids? I am scared I am going to turn into an overprotective Wal-mart mom who doesn’t want her children to get dirty. Who can’t let them play in the mud, in the ghetto, in real life. I don’t want to box away everything I have learned while being single and say “well, on to settling into normal life now.”

So we’ve had the ring talk. Gives me tingles. And the only thing I really want is something not expensive enough to have to worry about if I lose it or it gets stolen. And as he put it, ”If I got you something expensive you’d end up selling it and giving the money away to feed kids.” And he is probably right. And I think…that means he understands a bit of what makes me tick.

“Well, you marry; and what then? If you had no other object in life before your marriage, it will be twice as fearfully hard, almost impossible, to find one. Marriage can never bring happiness unless those who marry have a common purpose. Your purpose in life must not be to enjoy the delight of wedlock but, by your life, to bring more love and truth into the world. The object of marriage is to help one another in the attainment of that purpose. The vilest and most selfish life is the life of the people who have joined together only in order to enjoy life; and the highest vocation in the world is that of those who live in order to serve God by bringing good into the world, and who have joined together for that express purpose. Don’t mistake half-measures for the real thing. why should a man not choose the highest? Only, when you have chosen the highest, you must set your whole heart on it and not just a little. Just a little leads to nothing.” –Tolstoy (in a letter to his love-struck son)

Can’t have Valentine’s day without saying something about sex. Nope.

“Marriage was presented as the main fix for lust (because of) a shallow version of self-denial (preached). If self-denial to us meant only that we didn’t have sex until we got married, and then we could gratify ourselves, we missed one of the larger implications of discipleship and of following Christ. Discipleship is not just hanging on until marriage; it is a gradual and complete reordering of all our desires, sexual and otherwise, so that we can live more wholly for Christ. Learning to say no to our desires is a major part of orienting our lives toward God, and it can often be a life-giving discipline. Indeed, if we said, “Deny yourself” instead of “True love waits” and if we practice setting aside desires rather than just hanging on until we can satisfy them, we might be less surprised and better prepared for the actual challenges of marriage. By ensuring good behavior from unmarried people with promises of “reward sex,” we have missed an important piece of what the Christian life is all about. We don’t obey because obedience is currency that brings us our desire tenfold down the road. We obey because Jesus told us to. We should obey out of love.” –Claire and Eli

“What I did not consider (while dating Claire) was what God might have been asking of me or what might have been best for Claire. In the hurry of working toward the vision of life I saw ahead, I didn’t find much concern in my heart for God or for Claire, my neighbor. Instead, as long as things continued to move forward, I assumed that Claire’s mere presence in my life and my continued attraction to that presence was enough. And no one challenged me to seek a broader vision. Claire was what I wanted, and I had heard from almost every philosophical input in my life that choosing a spouse meant matching what you wanted with what the other person had. You might not get everything, you should be prepared to live with disappointment—no relationship was perfect—but the starting point was clear: track down the person who best fits what you want. The problem was that the search had revolved around me. Claire, in one sense, had become a means by which I could assemble the life I wanted. But Claire was more than a means. Looking back, I wonder how my life might have looked if I had learned to see others the way Christ did, if I had made His love my object rather than finding the One. “ –Claire and Eli

I had another outburst. Where I cry and wail and half wonder what is wrong with me and half wonder what is wrong with everyone else. Where all the emotions of the injustice in the world and the inequalities hit me, and I just want to scream “it isn’t fair” over and over and over again. This happens about once a month. And I have come to see this is part of who I am.

I know plenty of people who have seen what I have seen, or worse, and never have this problem. I wonder which of us is crazy. I wonder why others aren’t yelling with me—or at least yelling loud enough to do something about it.  “There has never been a war on poverty…a squeamish, possibly.”

Why don’t we do something drastic like stop eating until everyone gets something to eat? Or at least write something and put it on our blog. But for gosh sakes—make it look like you care at least longer than the 30 minute lecture!

But I am beginning to see that everyone has their “thing.” unfortunately, daily survival often hinders finding this thing. And more unfortunately, using our time doing stupid things like TV and video games often hinders most of the rest of people from finding their “thing.” The thing that moves them to action. The thing that can make them the happiest, the maddest, the saddest in seconds. Their passion in life. These passions have all different flavors. I’ve found mine, and to tell you the truth, it is a horrible inconvenience. Because I can’t be normal. I can’t fit in. I have these fits at least once a month.

And no one really “gets” them. Because their passion is different, or they haven’t found it. And so people pat me on the head and tell me what a wonderful job I am doing, and how I am like mother Teresa, and how God would never expect me to give up anything more. And their good intentions crush me. Because I don’t deserve their praise, and yes, I think God does expect me to give up more—EVERYTHING more.

I am doing wonderful things—because they are God’s things. But that doesn’t mean I can calm down and think everything is okay. It isn’t okay. Open your eyes—there is so much “not okay” with the world—even with your little world and the people you know. It is full of hurts and wounds right below the surface if not on top. And what is your thing? The thing God made you for? I hope you find it. I hope you have your monthly “fits” of some kind. I hope you make a difference. I hope you cringe when people tell you to calm down and don’t worry because you are doing enough.  Because God always calls us forward. To more of everything: more surrender, more life, more abundance. Thank God for that.

It is a sleepy Saturday, with snow lazily falling outside. I am under two layers of clothing and two more blankets. The e-mail catches my eye.

THE E-MAIL.

It is even capitalized in my brain. Because at the beginning of every month, I get an e-mail that lists the donations from the past month for Living Stones. I find out what can/can’t be done the next month for Living Stones. For my children. For God’s children. That is what I have to remember.

I have fallen into random rituals: hot and cold flashes when I see it in my inbox. That instant thud of my stomach. The automatic prayers to God, “Please make it be at least THIS MUCH MONEY this month—we need THIS MUCH MONEY. The holding my breath as the adobe reader slowly opens to reveal the truth.

Perhaps I am overreacting. You roll your eyes at my antics. But when we have $400 a month promised by faithful donors, and $1000 a month budget (that needs to be changed to $1500), you are holding your breath for $1,100 every month. Hoping, wishing.

We are feeding children who need to be fed NOW. Hunger doesn’t wait for me to visit the respectable amount of churches, or write the magic number of letters, begging for support. The money that comes in, comes in—and that is what we have to get to the children (transportation), provide food and love and anything we can—depending on the dollar sign that is on that e-mail.

Breathe, Rachel, Breathe.

Last year, I told everyone the biggest lesson I learned was gratitude. Thankfulness creates abundance. Giving thanks builds trust. And yet, with God, I still played the “open the e-mail” game. Every month. Like it was a slot machine and I am yelling at the computer, “Jackpot, baby, come on—Jackpot!!” as it turns to open the document.

And at the end of 2012, I look back and see we LACKED NOTHING. There were scraping the bottom of the barrel moments, there was frantic writing and calling at times—but we were able to consistently be there for the children when they needed us, and be that faithful light of Christ in the darkness. We walked into 2013 with a surplus to help us get started.

And now it is February. And another e-mail arrives. And I tell myself to not play any silly games, but there is still a “feeling” lingering. And a thud when I read it. Because it isn’t nearly enough. Half of what we need for February. We will have to dip into the surplus from last year that is diminishing quickly.

Anger. Worry. Tired.

Anger at the numbers. I am working as hard as I know how to raise money right now. I am meeting with whoever will have me, multiple meetings every day, finding new ways to get people more involved. I am angry that it isn’t working. I am angry that God isn’t having people give more. I am angry that I have a hard time being direct with people and asking, “This is the need—can I count on you to give?” Because I know they have a million other things in their lives that need that money just as much as I do. Because I don’t want to be just another nagging voice. I am angry there are no results. No fruit in the form of dollars.

I am worried. If this is how much is donated in a “big giving” month, what about the “dry nothing” summer months? If this is the number when I am dedicated to fundraising, what about the rest of the year when I am in Brazil, dedicated to hands-on ministry?

Tired. The emotion flows out and leaves me burnt out. Why try anymore? “God’s will done God’s way and time will never lack God’s supply.” BS. I just want to take a nap and forget about it. I am tired of asking for money. I am tired of being a salesman, trying to peddle my ideas and dreams. If it is a good thing—God’s thing—shouldn’t people want to give money?  

Thank you? It is so hard to say thank you when it isn’t enough. When it isn’t what I wanted. I promised myself I would be grateful for whatever dollar amount was on that e-mail, but I am not. I am pissed off. These children deserve our best. They deserve a chance at life…I am not talking about a new video game or outfit or college scholarship—I am talking about regular food, a safe place to sleep at night, the ability to read.

Sometimes…it just hurts so much to walk into one more church and see all of the well off people who will spend more for lunch that day than the families in Living Stones make in a week. The  children who are wearing shoes that could feed one of those little ones for a month.  And I say, “Please. Please give.”

And I could tell you stories to make you feel guilty about everything you have. I feel guilty myself. Because if you went, if you saw for yourself, you would know that I could give more. That I should give more. And I grapple with this. And I hope you do too. But all of those things fade away. God still stands there and asks, “Will you be grateful? What if no money was given? If there was a big zero at the bottom of the page? Would you still thank me? Would you still trust that I will provide? Will you still love all those people who didn’t care—because I do. “

And sometimes it really sucks that God is perfect, because you can’t argue with that. Gratitude has to be a constant choice. A constant decision that says, “I still trust you God, so I can say thank you for these crappy circumstances, because somehow…You are going to make something beautiful out of them. Something that is Your will for Your glory. And that is what I want. So I guess I needed this crappy circumstance after all.”

I laugh, because when I do this, it is always in a grumpy voice. But the next moment it becomes a little lighter. And a bit true-er. And then I say it again. I make the grateful choice again…and eventually it happens: I am able to step away from the circumstance and all the emotion flying around it, and put it all at the feet of Jesus. And walk away.  

God loves every one of these children in Brazil more than I do. He is working in their lives, and will continue to do so. He will provide Living Stones with the resources, in whatever form, that are needed to accomplish His goals in the lives of these kids and their families. And I want no more or less than that.