June 22, 2005
I felt so lost. I had life standing before me today and I had so much I wanted to do, but then nothing. my life is changing into something I do not realize and I do not know what to pack for the journey. I do not know what I will need. I love being outside because I feel closer to all that I love–and I am going to board a plane and go thousands of miles away? I don’t know what I am feeling, but I am filled so full of feelings that I am discombobulated and I don’t know where to go. so instead of doing anything I do nothing. the days pass so quickly. and I stop a moment to enjoy their beauty. I don’t remember doing that alot in the past, but lately it is a major part of my life. I feel silence so loudly.

I found out that one of my girls has been sleeping with her boyfriend. after working in the inner city for so long, I have really mellowed out on so many things. it is funny to see Ms. Elizabeth act like I used to when I started working…now I wonder how I could have survived with not rolling with the punches! Speaking of punches, Ms.Elizabeth got a shiner from the kids on the busride home from camp. I don’t know how she handles things so well. She rode up and picked up the kids, but because of traffic, they were delayed two hours–making it five hours on the bus with 40 screaming, overtired kids. And so many of them did not care what was going on, and told her that as soon as they stopped, they would run away. so she told the bus driver not to stop…including bathroom breaks. The kids were screaming about having to use it, and one girl (Tyray’s little sister) tried to jump out the window (of the moving bus!) Ms.Elizabeth stopped her, only to have the girl turn around and bust her one in the eye! yikes. I think actually it is something that is beginning to make Ms.Elizabeth “one of us.” Sorta like how freshman initiation works. the kids seem to show more respect.

But one thing I have not mellowed out on is the girls and their purity. When this girl told me, I was not surprised because I had noticed her attitude around boys. I tried to be calm about it…but I just cannot get her off my mind. She asked for prayer, so please do pray for this unnamed girl. she is open in so many areas of her life–but boys are like an addiction with her–a habit built into her life after years of experience. She really does not even see it when I talk to her about it.

Dennavious stopped to say hi. He is looking for a new job. his life seems to consist of getting a job, keeping it long enough to make some money, and then quitting and bumming through life until he runs out of money. So he is in the “I need money” stage. it is so hard to watch him build these patterns into his life. Pookie, Bugg’s very pregnant boyfriend, came to the center today and gave me a big hug. She is due the 4th of July. Please keep that baby in prayer. What a world he/she is entering into.

Reggie drove by yesterday. he turned down his music long enough to tell me that his life was crummy with God. neither one of us had much to say after that. What else is there to say? But I asked him to tell April to stop by. April quit her job at Village Pantry (I think it freaked her out more than she admits when she was held at gunpoint and robbed.) because she is taking a nurses aid training class. Her class has been over a month, all day long and she is finishing it on Friday. I am so proud of her! She walked in with her white scrubs on and her new white puppy and I just said “April, you encourage me so much.” she asked why and I said because everyone else tells me what they are going to do with their life, but April, she just does it. Life isn’t just talk with April. To see her with her puppy, begin responsible, getting training and skills to actually get a good job in life…wow.

There have been alot of kids saved at camp. It has been neat to talk with them. There was not alot to do at work today. All the kids are gone at teen camp, so we only have some younger kids or newer kids who are not very open. I started asking some about them and God and almost every one that had been at camp gave me a clear testimony of being saved there. awesome. there are 100+ kids there now, so please continue to keep them in prayer.

Dante’s mom called me today and asked if someone could give Dante some counseling, so Mr.Mike and Mr.James talked with him. Dante has been going through alot of questioning lately. One time when we talked he told me he had spent the whole previous night awake thinking. He is going to college in the fall and still having questions about what it takes to be an adult…to be a man. He is a deep thinker who feels things deeply. On Saturday there was a drive-by, and two guys were killed–not even the ones intended on being shot. One of those guys was a boy that grew up with Dante–one of his best friends since 7th grade. They went to the funeral yesterday. As Mr.Mike was talking to Dante, I talked with his mom as she waited. she said that she had never seen Dante cry like that before. ever. As she told me, she began to cry and she said simply “You know how some people can feel things? I am one of them. when someone is going through something, I feel the pain too.” then I started to tear up. because yeah, so am I.

you may think it is silly. maybe my whole theory is off. but this is what I think. I think I have one of the most easiest lives of anyone I know. no traumatic childhood experiences, no big physical problems or pains, two parents who love me, two siblings that I get along with great, a beautiful home with a mom who cooks and does my laundry for me, and a family that loves me living with them. There is no one (as far as I know) in my life that hates me, and I get along with everyone. I have a car given to me, and I am going to school to do things I love, and I have a job that I love…and did I say that I am following the desire of my heart and getting to see my dreams come true and go to Brasil? anything else? it almost makes me sick when I think of all I have. I am so blessed. And I wonder if I am blessed so that I can bear with others. Working at the center for three years, I feel like I have felt more pain than alot of people do in 10. So many kids, and each one with pain and circumstances that they should never be in.

It kills me that Dante is going through this…not just the death of a close friend, but the streets–his mom said he knows things…about the shooting, about who did it and who it was meant for…but he simply says “oh, the police don’t care, no one cares…” because it’s the streets. that is life. that is what happens and they are expected to think it is normal. They are expected to go to the mall and airbrush alittle “RIP” shirt with their name on it–or go out and buy a gun and get even. They are expected to anything but wake up and realize that there is more to life than the streets.

Please pray for Dante. He is supposed to come and talk to the kids sometime about what is going on and what he has learned. He knows so much, he just has to apply it. and he is hurting right now, so it does not matter how much he knows…knowledge does not stop the pain. it does not make it go away. often it only mocks the ache. Also pray for Dante’s mom. I consider it an honor to bear the pain with these kids…but I know I do not feel it like a mother feels it for her children.

Your C.S.Lewis inspiration for today:

“God can away in man, towards himself, a supernatural appreciative love. This is of all gifts most to be desired…with this all things are possible. And with this, where a better book would begin, mine must end…God knows, not I, if I have ever tasted this love…those like myself whose imagination far exceeds their obedience are subject to a just penalty; we easily imagine conditions far higher than we have really reached…perhaps for many of us, experience merely defines, so to speak, the shape of that gap where our love of God ought to be…to know that one is dreaming is to be no longer perfectly asleep.”

I received an e-mail today that said I was going to be the director of the English camp–well, the English teaching part of it. That means for decisions on teaching and organizing all the Americans, people will be looking to me…and at me. yikes. I am honored and excited…and very scared. That is alot of responsibility, and I want to do it so well. Please pray for me! I really am at the point where my inadequacy is blinking bright red warning lights.

Acts 4:19-20 “…Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you more than to God, you judge. For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.”

Rachel

ps–yes, I know I am using my old address…my addresses are still not converted to my new one yet, so hang with me as I get used to my NEW addy: amobrasil99@hotmail.com

June 16, 2005
Why does it seem like the days that are the most exhausting, pull-your-hair-out stress lead to the greatest eternal rewards? it must be part of that “In our weakness He is made strong” that is somewhere in 2 Corinthians.

Discipleship has been awesome. The girls will be dismissed and we will go around our table (with one broken leg that always falls over), pull up our chairs (after fighting for the big comfy ones), and open our Bibles. Sometimes it is just reading through and then re-reading it until everyone is focused. sometimes that takes along time. to actually understand the Word instead of letting it be words on a page. On Tuesday we were talking about witnessing, and since I do discipleship time pretty informally (I like for the girls to talk and get into it) so I had then “lead me to the Lord” while I was a total antagonistic and asking all these hard questions. Brittany finally said “Good grief, quit asking questions, you might as well go to hell if you want to that bad!” (We knew she was joking, so don’t worry). I told the director of the mission, Mr.Dan, that discipleship time was going super well and we talked about witnessing. And he quickly replied “so when are you going to do it?” and I think my stomach sank.

yep, me, Rachel, who has gone to NYC twice for evangelism, who has been trained and lead many children to the Lord STRONGLY BALKED at the idea of jumping in the car, rolling up to some place, and then…witnessing. and then bringing along a bunch of girls that would rather be any other place than standing right next to me? ugg. But, since I am even more intimidated by Mr.Dan and Mark 16:15, I of course answered simple “OK, I’ll take them tomorrow.”

Tomorrow came quickly (and was Wednesday), and as I prayed about it, there was a neighborhood that came to mind–Larwood, which is right near my church, and some of the kids from the youth center grew up there, so it was not some “stuck up white neighborhood.” (no offence meant, but that is what most of the south side is labeled by the kids at the youth center.) We took the John and Romans booklets we have coming out the wazoo at the youth center and marked the “Romans Road” verses, while the girls are like “so we are really going to do this? Do we have to? I don’t feel like this now!” Seven girls came, so we took Ms.Elizabeth’s van. On the way down I had each of the girls pray, and the air was very full of apprehension. We hopped out, buddied up, and went forth.

Amber and I talked to these girls on the merry-go-round. We had a “ticket to heaven” tract and they thought they were very neat. after talking alittle, they said they were Christians and were happy to meet us. We looked down the sidewalk and there were some adults on their porch. Amber goes “Go talk to them” and I flat out refused, saying I was scared. Amber was fine with that, so we walked about 50 feet when I realized it was what I needed to do (adults are scary!!!) and I gave them a flier I made about church. By this time we met up with the other girls who were talking with a group of ladies. One woman started giving us all hugs saying “oh, you guys are so wonderful! where are you from? if I had only been doing something like this when I was your age, but I had a fat belly from bein’ fast when I was young. you gotta go out there and get those fast girls and tell ‘em to stop, cuz they will listen to you…” All the girls are beaming by this time, and I praise the Lord for working a miracle.

We celebrated with milkshakes and talked about the time. Jasmine R. and Brittany got to pray with some ladies, and Jasmine Brown and Erika E. (who did not go to basic training because she is doing weekend training first) got to lead two little girls to the Lord. Each girl was excited and asking “so when do we get to go again?” wow. And then, after Bible study, two boys were also lead to the Lord.

Last week I took the Patterson’s swimming, and found out that Matt (their neighbor at their old house that I used to bring to church a couple times) had been taken away to live with relatives. His dad unexpectedly died, and so the children were dispersed. please pray for Matt and his family. he is 13.

Monday was a whole story in itself. We are sending kids to camp every Monday this month, so I braced myself for some crazy days. Monday means I show up for work, am given a list of children who live all across the city, and I am to go by there, pick them up, and bring them back in an hour. That would be pushing it in itself, but then there are always complications. let me explain these complications. The first place I stopped at were waiting for their friends to arrive. They had heard about the camp THAT MORNING, and were running around the neighborhood rounding up all the kids, who were stuffing their stuff into their bags. after getting four kids this way, I moved to the next place where these two itty-bitty girls ran up to the van to go to camp…without carrying anything. I looked down and said “where is your stuff?” to which they looked back incredulously. apparently, they did not realize that for a week long camp, some clothing and sleeping things were needed. ugg. So, I walked with them into their apartment, where their older brother (probably 13) says that his mom is gone, but he will help them pack. I use their phone to tell Ms.Elizabeth that I might be *alittle* late, and then hear the interesting account of them packing. I hear them moving around and then “but you need this! I don’t care–put it in there” every once in a while from the older brother. the girls finally come down (20 minutes later) with one plastic bag full of clothes, and a trashbag filled with blankets. this is going to be one interesting week of camp.

Thank the Lord that some nice people donated charter busses for the kids. last week they piled 60 kids on two old busses, riding with the windows and doors open because it was so hot and there was no air-conditioner. The charter busses had air-conditioning and DVD players (sweet). they put Ms.Elizabeth and I each on one bus to control the kids for the drivers. my bus had 44 kids–about 6 of which I knew. 38 hyper, unidentifiable kids for over three hours. Actually, it was not that bad. I identified the two girls and two boys that were trouble, isolated them the best I could (requiring that I sit–literally-sit on one of the guys), and then kept everyone else down to a dull roar. This week of Jr.Camp they have 125 kids. please pray for them–it must be pretty insane. I don’t even think they have 125 beds! last week there were 60+ kids, and 22 of them were saved, but the director said it was one of the worst (behavior wise) weeks ever.

I woke up yesterday scared. I am not sure why. I guess because I am leaving in two weeks for Brasil. another world and another life. I am leaving the security of knowing I fit in and am needed. yes, it is the call of adventure and my heart, but it is also the call to unrest. to where my soul is split and I am never really sure where I belong, or if, in leaving, I belong anyplace. I think it is the fear of not having a place to call mine. I will feel welcomed and loved, but I am still just another person coming in from the outside. it takes time. and am I willing to give of this precious commodity? I am leaving in God’s hands those I love. I am leaving my future of returning, safety, understanding, and communication. I know there will be times where there will not be a place set for me at the table. and there will be times I cry. that happens even here, but on this familiar territory, I have so many other places to turn. perhaps that is what is so wonderful about going–my recourses are limited to one–God. I want that and need that. but my weakness cries out. But am I here to sit back and relax? Do I face the sun with all its brightness, blinding me to any ground before me…and jump? of course I know the answer, and of course I am not turning back. God, help my unbelief.

I read this incredible book by C.S.Lewis called “The Four Loves.” (I also read one called “A Grief Observed,” but that book transcends quotes. it is written almost on another plane of reality–one that you only hit when you are in deep sorrow…whoa. if you want to be transported beyond today, read that book). In “The Four Loves” I found a quote that described the deep fellowship that I have sometimes…in sacred moments…that are the “golden sessions.”

“IN a perfect friendship this appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each member of the circle feels, in his secret heart, humbled before all the rest. sometimes he wonders what he is doing there among his betters. he is lucky beyond deserts to be in such company. especially when the whole group is together, each bringing out all that is best, wisest, or funniest in all the others. those are the golden sessions, when 4 or 5 of us after a hard days walking have come to our inn, when our slippers are on, our feet spread out towards the blaze and our drinks at our elbows; when the whole world, and something beyond this world, opens itself to our minds as we talk; and no one has any claim on or any responsibility for another, but all are freemen and equals. As if we had first met an hour ago, while at the same time an affection mellowed by the years enfolds us. life–natural life–has no better gift to give. who could have deserved it?”

ahh.
Rachel

John 20:21 “So Jesus said to them again, ‘Peace to you! as the Father sent me, I also send you.” From my devotional: “In the Christian life it is never “Do, do,” but “Be, be, and I will do through you.” ”

June 9, 2005
I am now back from a beautiful wedding with my memories and a bright red sunburn. It was an incredible week that we had. Anna and I went down with a friend, driving 11 hours through Illinois and up through Wisconsin to get to the Upper Peninsula. We enjoyed all the green trees, pine trees, and abundant lakes that seem to be everywhere. the mosquitoes are not full size yet, so we were not completely swallowed whole. It was a great honor to set up and run around like crazy, following the bride–to–be and all her ideas. Karianne is incredible, and normally, even though everything looks crazily insane, things always end up going just the way she planned it. and this was no exception. it was alot of work, and I think everyone has decided that plasticware (they used all fine china) is a gift from God, but I am so happy for her. I really enjoyed the Christian fellowship. it is so deep and pure. and it makes me feel so special to be a part of it…to know that these are my brothers and sisters in CHrist. I felt inspired and I woke up every morning wondering how I could pick people’s brains to learn some of their great wisdom. you can imagine me sitting in the corner, rubbing my hands together in glee, crackling “who will be my next victim?” j/k.

It is my second time being a bridesmaid (what is that saying about never a bride?) and my second very close friend that I have given away. But I have found that the most beautiful things that you give away always return. here is a quote someone copied, so I have no idea who the original author is: “if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it is yours, if it doesn’t, it never was.” The wedding was outside, on the deck next to the lapping lake layered with pine trees. It was in the middle of nowhere, and I got to see my first bald eagle in the wild.

it has been alittle crazy coming home, with my brain ticking out the moments to the three weeks until I leave for Brasil. I don’t really have any new news–I am going from July 1-Dec.17 and basically everything else is settled. now I just have to finish all my little projects and enjoy my family and the weather and take at least one walk a day to just sigh and say “Yes God, you are God, and I trust you.” that nips my anxiety in the bud.

We are now on the summer schedule at the youth center, meaning I am working 10:30am-5:30pm. Normally I have more hours, but please pray, as they are deep in the red and cannot afford to pay for any more hours. We do not have as many kids as we normally have during the summer, partly because we sent 60 kids (8-12) to the first week of Jr. camp (please pray for them!!!) and because we finally got the air conditioning turned on Wednesday. We now have about 50 kids that come and go during the day, with as many as 30 at one time, or as low as 5. so that makes for some really interesting times.

Please pray for Vickie and Michelle O. I really have grown to love them so much. Vickie has been hanging out with some wrong friends who have been doing weed. she used it alot in the past in L.A., and has some again. she has repented and asked for our prayers to continue to say no. Vickie is so fun to watch. she has a very expressive face and she jumps around from one thing to another–like today getting soaking wet and giving everyone hugs. my back was drenched when she finished.

I am really excited about the opportunities with camp. Jr.camp is this and next week, and teen camp (13-18) is the next two weeks. I received a call from a lady that is fostering some of the kids that went to camp last year. even though I have not heard from them since they got taken from home by the CPS, they loved camp so much that they got this lady to get them registered so that they can come to camp again this year. when I think of all they have been through this year…I am so glad they will be able to get away to this haven of forest where God always seems so close to.

Memorial day I got to have my kids–the Patterson’s–over for barbeque chicken and fried potatoes–my favorite. we had a great time laughing and jumping and giggling and chasing. When I picked them up there was a guy there, and I asked them who it was. they flatly said they did not know, and it killed me that strange men would sleep on their couch and it be such a common occurrence that they did not even care to ask his name.

I made Erika E. a cake for her last day before she left for basic training in the National Guard, as she made me a cake before I left for Brasil last year. I think my cooking skills are there to humble me, because last time I mixed up the baking powder and soda, and this time I left it in the oven for an extra 20 minutes. but with enough frosting, all the problems were fixed both times:). it was so neat to talk with her and give her a hug knowing we had gotten alot closer than I ever believed we could. Erika is definitely one of those who are much harder to get close to. She did not pass the physical test, so is going to try again tomorrow, but please pray for her, as basic training is no picnic.

Here is the summer schedule:
10-11 pick up kids
11-11:20 eat lunch
11:20-12:00 open assembly and discipleship time
12-3 free time, games…Me trying to find fun things to do
3-4 Bible study
4-4:20 eat dinner
4:20-4:45 “cultural enrichment” (a fancy name we put for when we have special speakers) or free time
4:45-6 closing assembly and taking kids home

I really love discipleship time. we are going through basic doctrines and different passages of Scripture, me just sharing from my heart simple things of God. We went over John 15 and talked about how Jesus was the vine, and how important God holds His Word. I am really going to miss those times. today we had 8 girls (3 new girls the past two days!! pray for them!!) and they are just excited about learning. I am taking the girls on the last activity (before I leave for Brasil) tomorrow. it seems crazy that I won’t be there for so long.

John 16:20-24 “…But your sorrow will be turned into joy. a woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human begin has been born into the world…Ask, and you will receive, that you joy may be full.”

Rachel

This is by MercyMe

Forgive me if I stare
but I am taken back
that you would let me here
regardless of my past
my hands are shaking now
but I catch my breath somehow
I am free at last

unaware of my fears
unaware of my shame
nothing else matters here
but glorifying Your name
unaware of everything
knowing You’re still aware of me

tell me how I got here
couldn’t make it on my own
just tell me I can stay
because it feels so much like home
and I love all track of time
when I look into Your eyes
Your love is all I know

May 24, 2005
Hello! I think I will skip the part where I say I am shocked at how time
flies and just go to the part where I tell you all that God has been doing
since the last time I wrote.

Two Friday’s ago the girls had a sleepover at the youth center. We tie-dyed
shirts (and our hands) different colors, played hide and seek, and sang
along to Rogers and Hammerstine’s “Cinderella” (with Brandy, of course). It
was alot of fun and the girls all loved just being girls. I ended up
crashing on the air hockey table about 2:30am, and I don’t know if
Ms.Elizabeth got any sleep at all!

Please pray for the Patterson’s. If you know me at all, you know they are my
babies, and I worry for them. Erica spent all day on Sunday with me, and is
another little sister, but on Monday, Eric and Devon got into a fight. I was
the only one inside the youth center, so I saw them swinging and I ran and
got in the middle of it. I almost got socked in the jaw but I got one of the
other guys to grab Devon–they were really swinging. Eric, my little man,
started cussing up a storm and I had to escort him out of the youth center.
Erica called her mom, and about 10 minutes later their mom comes in, goes up
to Devon and smacks him on the head saying “what the F&^$ have I told you
about hitting your brother?” and so on while she took them all home. I will
tell you, there is nothing scarier than an black momma (not meaning that
disrespectfully in any sense of the term)! Eric is getting himself kicked
out of everything and is getting so uncontrollable. This summer–very
soon–the Patterson’s will be living with their dad in Ft.Wayne, so please
pray that God protects them and draws them to Himself. I won’t be seeing
them until I get back from Brasil then.

I called Heather (Tele’s wife in Brasil) and found out that not only does
she want me to be a part of the music program like I was last year (one of
my favorite parts of my trip), but also would like me to come down as early
as possible to start working on the mime/puppet programs for English camp.
SO basically, I will be doing most of the music that is in English. I am so
very excited, as I love music, but even more so because I am needed. this
means so much to me. So, actually, I have no idea when I will be leaving or
for how long–depending on the letter from the college in Brasil and the
plane tickets. It sure is alot to trust God for!

Last Wednesday I was walking around the youth center when Fannie, one of the
younger girls, brings this little girl to me and says “Ms.Rachel, Samantha
wants to be saved.” and then left. quite a nice introduction, don’t you
think?:) I talked with Samantha (9) and found out that she understood
salvation very well and just as puzzled with Fannie’s introduction as I was.
So we went over the gospel together, and it turned out (as with alot of
younger children) that Samantha did not have assurance of her salvation. It
was really neat to share with her.

Please pray for Ms.Elizabeth. She is pulling about 200% of the workload at
the youth center. She is still in the new enough stage of working at the
center that she does not have the respect earned of the kids, and quickly
becomes the scapegoat for anything wrong that happens. I remember when I was
in that role, and it was not fun. last week I had to watch her struggle
through alot of criticism and kicking people out and so on…and if I am
hurting for her just watching, then you know it is hard on her.

Erika E. retook her National Guard entrance exam last Wednesday and passed
with flying colors (she missed by one point last time). What was so special
to me was that as soon as she found out she came running to me and told me
all about it. She will be leaving for basic training June 2, so please keep
her in prayer.I do not know what all goes on at basic training, but…it is
alot. She has been more open and talkative then ever, and that has meant so
much to me.

Jasmine R. has been struggling lately. Last week I had to kick her out for
cussing, and she really did not care. She came to me and apologized
afterwards, and is her normally smiley self now, but I wonder how far the
“naturally nice Jasmine” is and how much is God really working in her life.
it grieves me that I cannot make an accurate diagnosis on where my girls are
because there are so many “faces” to get through.

Dabrittnay and I have been getting closer as she opens up (which, in the
inner city especially, is one of the most precious gifts a girl can give
anyone). She was giving some guy a hug (a dangerous thing to do) when he
accidentally poked her eye with the straw he had in his hand. It was
bad–her eye was bleeding and it looked really gross. She got a freetime
later that day and something snapped. I promise–sometimes I can see it
coming, and sometimes I can’t. this time I didn’t. She blew up and left. She
actually acknowledged my presence when I picked up her sister yesterday,
but…it feels like so much progress was destroyed.

Last Thursday I did the girl’s Bible study, and it was the first official
(the week before was impromptu to and thus does not count) Bible study I had
done since last year I believe. I had forgotten how incredible they were. We
went over a case study about lying and had hot debates over the questions,
making the girls think. Michelle Jackson came for the first time in a couple
months, and she always has great insights. I miss her alot–she has
become…alot harder. Then we talked about earning trust and how trust is
broken. I said something about how we choose what kind of world we live
in–when we lie and break trust, we are choosing to live in a world where we
don’t trust, and no one trusts us. When we choose to tell the truth and earn
trust, then that is the kind of world we are choosing. Our daily
habits–character, I guess you could call it–create our world and life so
much more than we realize! Michelle told everyone she did not trust anyone
and did not care if they trusted her. Then I had the two minute window (you
know, where everyone actually stops talking and they look at you and you
know their brains are not out to lunch?) and it was one of those *moments*
that you live for. I don’t remember what I said, but the point was that I
was like “yeah, every time you trust someone or love someone you are opening
your heart to pain and for it to be broken. That is why is is easier not to
trust or love anyone or anything. But that is where it is different with
God. God will never lie or break your trust. You can always trust Him…and
it is through opening up to Him that we can properly open up to others–even
though they will all break our trust at some time or another.” it was deep.
and beautiful.

I have so been enjoying the verse sheets we do with the girls. before
activities, they have a certain amount of verses to study (not very many)
and from each one, they are to figure out some specific thing they need to
do that week concerning their relationship with God. mostly it has been
reading their Bible, but I have been amazed at some of the things the girls
come up with–for Phil. 4:8, Amber said she needed to stop watching a
certain TV show. For “Let this mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus” (I
forgot the reference) Clarissa came up with that she needed to go to church
to hear “Jesus kind of thoughts.” isn’t that neat? God’s Word in action.

Please pray for Eugene. lately he has been having times of acting up. one
day he went around doing his little fake crying thing, and tears were
streaming down his face. It was so hard because I asked him what was wrong,
and he was trying to tell me, but he could not get it out (Eugene has
autism). I sat him down and he calmed down soon, but later was hitting
himself in the head–very hard. One day in Bible study he suddenly decided
that as I was leading songs, anytime I stopped, he would start talking
(saying things like “Sausage, chocolate cake, Tech high school…”) very
loudly. He was quiet for the Bible study, but it is just unusual behavior. I
wonder if it has anything to do with Lamont (his brother that takes care of
him) graduating.

So many of our kids are graduating and leaving for the summer (the
Patterson’s, Erika for basic training, Greg, Lamont, Eric, Dante, Carlos all
graduating and going to college or working) Many of these kids I may only
see through the rest of this week. please pray that I will take every
opportunity to encourage them as I can. I feel like time gave me a raw deal.

Dennavious came to the youth center yesterday and talked with James and Dan.
Now, we have been through this over and over and he will take a step in the
right direction and then fall harder than ever the next moment. sometimes I
wonder if I should even hope. because hope hurts when it falls again. but it
is not about pain, it is about knowing God is alive and working. so I am
happy and excited, and please pray–he quit his job and is basically doing
nothing right now.

I have officially retired from running the west side route (which is where I
get in the red van–that runs out of gas and stalls regularly, has no horn,
with no air conditioning, and that regularly smokes and smells like we are
going to blow up–and drive an hour to pick up and take home kids each day)
Mr.Mike is taking it over since I will be leaving in the middle of summer.
this means I will have two hours each day to do all those little things I
never had time to do before! But before I jump too high, I must say I will
miss my times in the van. I have had some of my best talks with the kids
sitting in the front seat of that van. Each day I take that time to pray for
the day and each of the kids. And I must admit, it is where I hear all the
interesting workings of these kids lives as they gossip in the back and
forget that there are two nosey ears sitting in the drivers seat:).

For me? I have been working on all my little projects and everything I want
to get done before I go to Brasil. Top on my list is investing in the
relationships I have and just living that day when I have it. doing things
like giving Erica an extra hug yesterday. I feel the saying “life is short”
chasing me and I am scared to look over my shoulder and see how close it is
coming. But then my God takes me again and gives me His peace, and I trust
Him once more. Last weekend my family went to Spring Mill and stayed at the
lodge (you can’t really call it camping). it was awesome to be with my
family and have no list of things to do with me. Nature is medicine for the
soul. Please pray that I would let God squeeze out of me all that He desires
for those that I come in contact with, and that I simply trust Him.

“He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him. As the
living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who feeds on
Me will live because of Me…Therefore many of His disciples, when they
heard this, said “this is a hard saying; who can understand it?” ” John
6:56-60 I don’t think I understand it all either, but that is okay–I get
the picture of abiding from it.

This is from C.S.Lewis (a book called “Till We Have Faces”) “the complaint
was the answer. to have heard myself making it was to be answered. Lightly
men talk of saying what they mean. often when he was teaching me to write in
Greek the Fox would say, “Child, to say the very thing you mean, the whole
of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that’s the
whole art and joy of words.” a glib saying. when the
time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech
which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all
that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you’ll not talk about joy
of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us, openly, nor let us
answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble
that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have
faces?”

God be with you,

Rachel
****

I am searching for a face
The rest of the crowd does not suffice
It is gone and I know not where
The answers hide their face in the future

And I am given a choice
Of what to do with situations served me
To worry and complain
And keep searching or

I may rest
On the Rock
That is higher than I

I may sit
On the Stone
The builders rejected

I may look
On the Face
That gave everything for me

I may trust
In the Truth
That keeps me protected

Again Lord I come before You
My eyes are begging to stray
To do anything
To feel resolution

Out of the corner of my eye
I see a movement
And all my resolve is out the window
As I chase the wind

I ask You
My King
To take my heart

I want You
My Anchor
To hold me still

I desire You
My Creator
To make me new

I need You
My Father
To guard my will

It is a struggle
Often bitter and cruel
For I am not pitted against evil
But the good and the beautiful

It is a battle
Not against an enemy
But versus all I am
And the feelings inside of me

And I am given a choice
Of what to do with situations served me
To worry and complain
And keep searching or

I may rest
On the Rock
That is higher than I

I may sit
On the Stone
The builders rejected

I may look
On the Face
That gave everything for me

I may trust
In the Truth
That keeps me protected

 

May 12, 2005

Today was one of those days that makes you put your head back and say “life is such a trip!”

 

I left early because I had specific instructions to get Lamont to McDonalds for his first day at work at 4pm. but I had forgotten to take into consideration that today was the basketball tournament. by the time everyone got on, not only was I running late, but there were 20 people in the van! As I pulled on to the highway, my prayer turned into “Dear Lord, please just get us safe” as the van was lopsided from so many people and did not drive straight! Lamont was a few minutes late, but everything worked out fine. We had ALOT of new kids, and over 60 kids there. That always makes for an interesting time! We started Bible study early, and Kendra, who has been doing the girl’s Bible studies was not there yet. We walked over and I opened in prayer not knowing what the goodness I was going to say. But it was a God thing. I passed out Bibles and wondered what they needed to hear. Bible studies are every day and sometimes they seem like such a ritual. sometimes I just sit down and wonder why we do them. I mean, new kids get saved, but mostly it is the core group over and over who know all the basics…but yet, you don’t see it. so does that mean you preach them over and over until they do? And to see their faces just starring blankly…good grief, it did not matter if I spent years preparing these perfect words, they are not going to do a thing because the kids look like a blank TV, and they have chosen to turn off. So do you just gather them, sit them down, and preach how to be saved again? I wonder if preachers always think about things like “what if this is the last words they hear–are they enough?” or “There are so many good things to talk about, but what is the best–what is the one thing that will be life changing?” I ended up feeling led to go to Psalm 119:9-11 and talk about it as we went. I had the girls as questions, and we went the direction the girls were interested in spiritually. It went pretty well. But you know, even if it didn’t, it was God’s Word and that is the point. We stopped and prayed for the boy’s Bible study, because there were so many new people–and I believe 3 of the guys were saved. Please do pray though. Bible study is such an incredible opportunity. I feel like it is lacking…punch. power–supernatural power. I know not every day is “miracle day,” but in looking to not be disappointed, I think we have forgotten the wonder of serving a God who can do anything. Pray that God would give the words to the preachers and teachers that the time would be spent most effectively, that real change would happen. I CRAVE change. it makes me want to weed a garden or something because I can see the results so quickly and easily. the gardens of these souls are needing weeding. but I can’t see it.

 

I do not know what all is going on, but please pray for Reggie and April. Reggie turned 21 last week. It seems like he wanted to go crazy or something, because he broke up with April and said he was going out with this 30 year old lady. April was really hurt. Reggie came by the center, and I don’t know what happened, but Mr.James told him not to come back again. When I talked to Reggie he had sunk into his “no one loves me and darn that youth center, I don’t want to have anything to do with them.” I have been through alot of these with Reggie and basically said it was not about the youth center, it was about him and God (Reggie seems to throw God out of his life every time he throws out the youth center). I don’t know how he is doing, but the 30 year old seems to be gone. April’s wisdom teeth are really hurting her badly right now, and she does not know what to think about Reggie. I don’t know how life gets messed up like this.

 

Last week I asked the girls what they wanted to do for the next activity, which is going to the gym. Jasmine B. suggested that each of the older girls take one of the younger girls and help them out and stuff. I jumped on that idea and was so proud! We talked about how mentoring would be helping a younger girl, but discipleship would be going the next step and actually passing on what they had learned with their relationship with God to someone else. I told the girls to hurry up and give me some spiritual “grandchildren!”

 

We have a few more girls come regularly to the center (and the Vickie wars seem to be getting solved): Brittany and Janelle. Janelle is living at the family shelter across the street and is working through alot. She is a couple months pregnant (or is at least telling everyone so). We have had some nice talks and she is open, but I really do not know what all is the true story. Please pray for them.

 

speaking of truth, someone stole my gas money for the week and no one is ‘fessing up. I feel horrible because it has to be one of the girls that is alot closer to me. I hate having to think that one of them did it. and yet, it is alot more than that. it is not just one isolated stealing. things get stolen all the time at the youth center–it is part of their lifestyle, their worldview, even their culture. I cannot exactly say what it is, but there is something about almost every kid at the youth center that is grown into them that says that their right to instant gratification or personal happiness overrides God’s laws to not steal, lie, or cheat. if I said that, they would of course deny it, but it is something deeper than words. stealing? so what, everyone does it–it was just something little–you have more than me anyways and did not need it like it did. lying? don’t be petty. cheating? it is just a game! quit taking life so serious. these are things I hear all the time. not repentance. maybe a “I feel bad I got caught and look bad now.” and what is hard is that I know I can talk until I am blue in the face and it won’t do any good. But God can, and He says He works change through His Word. so that is hope.

 

I am having the girls fill out verse sheets each week (well, that is the idea, but normally they only get done if they are requirements for an activity). I adapted them from what I do for my class at school: write what the verse is teaching, what it reproves or tells me not to do, what it corrects or tells me to do, and then what habits I need to start in my life from the verse (notice anything? it is based on the sequence in 2 TIm. 3:16). The girls are doing well, but by the time they get to the habits, the only thing they write is to read their Bible–for every verse! I did visitation with Clarissa and we talked about the verse all the way through each section. It was amazing to see that as we got down to it, God was convicting her, through the verse, of the very same thing I had wanted to talk to her about–going to church!

 

Jasmine R. has been doing good overall, but then again, she always looks like she is doing good. I have been worried though, because I see little things that make it seem like alot of her smile is fake. But a big step she took was she asked me if she could share her testimony. She did a great job at our meeting on Wednesday.

 

There are always lots of little things to pray for: Vickie has been sick and skipping Bible studies, Isaiah was picked up and taken to jail, but soon released (for truancy), Dante, Carlos, Mike, Greg, Lamont, and Eric are all graduating in a couple of weeks and have alot of things to finish up, and Dennavious seemed like he was doing well, but then basically stole Mr.James’ car for two days. Summer is coming up and you never know what is going to happen. lots of free time with nothing constructive to do is a recipe for disaster.

 

something that has made me smile lately is how the kids treat me like a little girl. I don’t mind, and it makes me feel special, because this is something more recent that started–it has been a long time coming–considering I have been working at the youth center almost 3 years now! 3 years! Some of the other staff has been going through some crazy car accidents and trouble–so now, it seems like every night after I drop off the kids, I will have a couple of them get out of the van slowly, turn around and say in a quiet (almost like talking to their grandmother) voice, “now you be careful Ms.Rachel! You drive safe now, ya hear?” or “lock those doors, Ms.Rachel, it isn’t safe!”

 

I had another Brasil meeting last weekend and got a jump start of my visa, so basically everything is resting on this letter I need from the university in Brasil. Tele told me that when they write this letter (he is sure they will and so I am planning everything as if I am going, even though I probably won’t know for sure for another month or more), they may stipulate that I stay for at least two semesters. a year. a year is a long time. I was figuring on staying a year or longer…but later. thinking about leaving in two months for a year is pretty intimidating. again, I don’t know anything, but this is certainly something to pray about. I sent in the money for the plane ticket on Monday. I will tell you, the idea of possibly leaving for a year has sure made spending time with my family alot more important to me. And that has been nice to just sit down and play with John, making all the car and truck noises.

 

God’s words for me in all of this have not been any ”thou shalts” but “just trust.” and when He gently whispers just that, nothing changes but everything is different. When my eyes are on Him, it does not matter what I know and do not know. sitting in my class on Tuesday I clearly understood that no matter where I am located in the world, God is there–and that is where I want to be. today I found something I had written in my Bible “Lord, increase my faith, not my arguments.” good stuff.

 

“I ended my first book with the words no answer. I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are Yourself the Answer. before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?”  C.S.Lewis

 

Ps.60:12a “Through God we will do valiantly…”

 

May 1, 2005

Hmm. I just do not understand girls. they have this inner ”catfight” mentality that seems to be cultivated and sharpened to perfection when they are around each other. I am so grateful for the minimal interaction with these kind of girls when I grew up. ugg. It seems that the girls at the youth center have decided to have their little “issues.” On Wednesday, DaBrittnay walked up to Vickie while she was playing volleyball, smacked the mess out of her, and then walked inside with a laughing Ebony. when I finally heard about it, it was “old news,” but inside i wanted to bodily shake each girl and say “Don’t you get it? we are sisters in Christ! How can you act like this to someone Christ loves?” I found out that “operation anti-Vickie” has been going on.

 

I have seen in the past where subtle subliminal messages have gotten through and then suddenly new girls will not come to the youth center and are very vague about why, but all have very definite opinions about the girls at the youth center. If you don’t “connect” with the girls at the youth center, you will fade away and not come back…I have seen it happen numerous times. Most often this is because the “in” group of girls feels threatened over a guy. How pathetic is that? In alot of these cases, I only learn of the gossip chain and malicious talk of the “outsider” after the girl has left the youth center for good. This time, I figured something needed to be done, even though it was ugly and I did not want to touch it.

 

I first talked to Erica E., who admitted to being mean immediately (she is still alot more open!). I simply stated that it could not continue and the girls would follow her example, so she needed to lead. Erica agreed. Next I talked to DaBrittnay. It is not like her to act like that, and my understanding is that Ebony told her to do it. DaBrittnay has a real issue of following. She is game for whatever people tell her to do–good or bad. DaBrittnay instantly felt bad and apologized (basically saying “Ms.Rachel is giving me the guilt trip so I am sorry Vickie for smacking you”) so that was a start. Ebony was more difficult. please pray for her–and for me. she evaded direct talking and said that of course nothing would happen and she would not be mean to others…but I don’t think that is the end of the story yet. Please pray. Yeah, I can see that Vickie flirted with (horror of horrors) some of the guys these girls liked, but come on. Vickie is really growing. Her cousin got saved at church last week, and Vickie is all fired up about leading all of her family to the Lord (including a brother who is a practicing homosexual).

 

It has been neat for me to have my talks with Michelle O (Vickie’s sister). Michelle always comes and rides with me to pick up the West side. At first, I really missed my times alone with God, because I had really good prayer times. Since I knew I needed that time to pray, now I just do it with Michelle. She is still very self-conscious about praying out loud, but each day she seems to be growing and getting more comfortable with her relationship with God and talking to Him. Maybe it was the day when we talked about her gay brother…or about the fight at school…or her past in L.A…and then telling God about it. It is neat and I treasure those times where it just feels like I get to live the life and share it, passing on something incredible like a prayer life to “the next generation.”

 

here is a funny note: I was talking about taking the CLEP tests with one of the kids at the youth center and Donald leans over and says “What is that word Rachel? Oh, that is so my new word!” So he goes around saying “Shut the clep up! That’s a bunch of clep! what the clep are you trying to say?” and so on. leave it to Donald to invent the newest cuss word.

 

I was on TV last Sunday! Channel 59 came to St.Mary’s, where I am doing my preschool practicum, and did a segment of “unsung heroes” on it. They had a few second shot of me reading to my little man Michael, and I say “so where is the juice?” not entirely my greatest line ever:), but it is a start. At church on Wednesday this middle school girl came up to me and said “Hey, I saw you on TV!” and I felt pretty special. *grin* I just finished my time at St.Mary’s, and although I love the kids and will miss them a bit, I can tell you my passion in life is not for that age group–I need alittle older kids. so that is nice to know. Having one in that age group is enough–my little brother. He came up to me the other day and said “Do you know what Anna is going to be when she grows up? A mattress in Chicago!” he must have been talking to Anna when she was in her acting mood, and heard “actress” wrong, but I thought it was quite funny to hear of Anna’s great aspirations!;)

 

Something that God has been showing me is my need for wisdom. Wisdom is one of those things that is easy to pray for. it is not like asking God for it not to rain, because you don’t know if in God’s providence, He does not want it to rain–but wisdom, well you know God wants you to have it, and promises that He will give it in James 1:5 “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth it to all men liberally, and upbraided not; and it shall be given unto him.” I need wisdom to know when to give a free time and when to kick someone out. when to have judgment and when to have mercy…when to be quiet and when to speak up. Because I just don’t know the answers.

 

Saturday was pretty neat. I have been saving my pennies since I got back from Brasil last summer, and been praying for when I would get to return to Brasil. When Tele came in the fall, it became pretty clear that the direction to head was to go for a semester. So I walked in that direction. The road has never been clear, and every couple of weeks I am sized by this feeling of “my word, I need to do something or it won’t work out to go to Brasil.” But the thing is, most often there is nothing I can do. I have to wait. Other things have to be worked out, and to sum it up, no one really knows what is planned, so they can’t plan me into it. Tele just came back to the US yesterday and we had a meeting today. I figured all I needed was five good minutes. Have you ever had five minutes that changed the direction of your life? Different times talking with Tele have given me a focus and a light on things…and since he is the one in charge, he is the one with the final say about things in Brasil. So I figured I just needed those few good minutes for Tele to say “yep, Rachel, it is all worked out–you are coming from July to December this year!” it did not really happen that way. in fact, instead of seeing a clear path, all I found was more mountains to climb. it feels sorta daunting.

 

Tele was clear that he wants me there. That is not a problem. The thing is, to attend school, even though I have a six month tourist visa, I have to get a student visa. But to get my student visa, I need a plane ticket, a letter saying the school will accept me, and other odds and ends. And paper work in Brasil is not very easy. Tele was confident that there will no problem, but that still means that I probably won’t have all the paperwork and know for sure that I am going until the middle of June. I am the kind of person that likes to feel the ground beneath her. Next Saturday there is another meeting and I can get alot of paperwork done then, so please pray. But this does mean that pretty officially, I am going to Brasil in July!

 

April 24, 2005

Before I tell you how I got sunburned wearing sandals on Wednesday, maybe you should know that now it is snowing outside. goodness. They say that has not happened since the 1960s.

 

it has been a neat week. I was actually supposed to be writing you from a friend’s house that I was house-sitting at, but with the rain and snow, they ended up coming back early, so now I am bundled up next to the heater downstairs–bringing out all the blankets and such I had put away in the beautiful 70s weather.

 

Please pray for Destiny. On Monday Mr.James had me come into the office while he confronted her about doing something inappropriate with a guy at the youth center. she flatly denied it. He had plenty of witnesses, including the guy, so we continued to talk to her, but she still said it was all true, or she “didn’t remember” it ever happening. I took her home with some assignments as well as having to let her know that until she got this right and told the truth, she could not come back. oh, I hate doing things like that. I am a horrible judge of telling if someone is lying. I would have believed her without the witnesses. I am glad Mr.James shouldered the responsibility. I just cannot understand how people can lie like that. Please pray, because she cannot make any spiritual headway until she comes to grips with this and faces the truth.

 

On Tuesday I took the girls to Cici’s Pizza. I had invited all the mothers to come, but they were all busy, so we wrote them nice cards while we ate. I figure it will probably take me inviting the mothers three or four times before they see I really want to make this effort to help them and they come–so we are starting. Sometimes I feel like I am these girls’ moms.

 

I looked down at one of the girl’s on Thursday and saw something crawling. yep, lice. I have been through this in the past and it is not fun. my goodness–last time when I began checking, 5 out of the 6 white kids at the center had lice. the girl was leaving at the time anyway, but I really do not know what to do if she keeps coming back without doing anything–something has to happen. Please pray especially for Ms.Elizabeth–her hair is a mile long and would take years to clean out if the lice got passed on through simple hugs or closeness that we always give!

 

On Friday the two weeks were up and so I was able to take April to get another driving test, since she failed the other one. the stakes were alittle higher this time, since her permit would expire the end of the month. Alot has been going on with April. She works at VP and a couple of weeks ago she was robbed at gun point. The guy pushed her and made her give him money (about 75$ in change) and the guy yelled “Thanks for letting me hold you up with this fake gun!” as he left with his change jingling. pretty ghetto. Then Reggie’s dad flipped out and kicked them out, only for them to have to return since their car died on them. He re-kicked them out last weekend and they found their own apartment. now I know you are thinking “Reggie and April living together?” yes, I know, and anyway you slice it, does not sound good and I cannot endorse it…but I can tell you (even though I could not tell if I was being lied to if my life depended on it) that April and Reggie’s relationship is more like an older brother/little sister thing. They do not sleep together, and I am pretty sure they have never kissed…or at least not seriously. But yeah, they are living together. it is a pretty nice duplex on Parker that has been fixed up. It still has some problems, like the window falling in and the bathtub leaking through the ceiling below, but it was clean and white. It is crazy to think that Reggie and April have their own place, their own car, and jobs. I have been feeling old lately.

 

Anyway, we get to the license branch right on time only to have April remember she forgot her glasses at the house. yep, the glasses that we worked years to get and the glasses that were listed as a restriction on her license. We contemplated what to do as there were no other time slots to take the test. April said what we were both thinking “it just feels like I am not meant to have my license!” We held our breath to see if the lady would remember to make her read line 5 in the eye thing before leaving and she did…and April read it! I knew her eyes were not bad, and the glasses people said she did not really need them–but this was a praise the Lord! April got back 15 minutes later with a big smile and got her picture on the plastic. You should have heard us! I don’t think that license branch has heard so much rejoicing in awhile! It was a like a huge breath released. Finally, after over a year of work, with driving practices and getting glasses and taking the test (the written test twice and the driving test twice), April is licensed! And, might I add, she is a pretty good driver too:).

 

House sitting has been neat for me. I don’t know why, but it really made me think. Friday morning I woke up in one of those moods. you know, the ”think-y” moods (watch out, I am pretty dangerous in them). it seemed like all these questions came out of hiding and attacked me. questions like “What is my life?” “what am I doing and why am I doing this?” just over redundant things like tying my shoes–I mean, why don’t I just stuff them in the sides? I was shopping for some food for the weekend at K-Mart and I was like “what am I buying? There is a whole store to choose from! Am I getting enough? am I forgetting something? I mean, I am 22 and do not go grocery shopping since I live at home. having all that responsibility suddenly hit me. I guess God knows what He is doing when He slowly and surely grows me up, because my word, I can’t handle adulthood all at once if this is what it is about. Suddenly I was having visions of leaving some obscure appliance on and burning the house down. someone PLEASE tell this is not what it means to be an adult.

 

I guess when it all comes down to it, I suddenly came to understand that my life had become something I do instead of something I am. I think this a couple times a year like clockwork–I wake out of my slumber and look around in black and white and yell “is this it? this is life? this is a piece of crud. Is this who I am? who am I supposed to be?” because somehow, somewhere unknown, I have stopped living life being, and turned into a doing robot beeping out “I am a good person because I do good things, if I do bad I am a bad person.” that is a really flat, pathetic life.

 

I was just recently having a super good talk with Anna, and she asked me what my motivation was–what made me happy to get out of bed and kept me going in my incredibly packed schedule. I gave her some really good answer at the time–a true answer. But thinking about it, sometimes even a perfect answer just does not cut it. Because there are times when there will be no motivation. That made me come to the conclusion that it has to be beyond me. Sometimes I get out of bed and do things because it is a habit. sometimes because it makes me feel good. yeah, sometimes it is for others–but you know, sometimes I get fed up with them too, and it is not enough–it has to be more–it has to be God. And, if God is my motivation, the reason why I step out of bed and pull up the covers to make my bed once again, then MY WORD, He’d better be the one who controls me continuously. Because otherwise, I’d better just hop right back in bed. makes me wonder how I can so quickly get away from asking Him what He wants me to do throughout the day.

 

On the outside, I don’t think anything I do will change–and when these questions come, I don’t think change of life is always the answer…the change is the motivation, the heart, the understanding of why I do what I do. becoming instead of doing. my think-by mood will run it’s course and I will wonder why I even thought about random things like putting my shoes on the right feet. But I don’t want life to fall back into a habit. I want each day fresh. And I know walking with my God is the answer to that. He is not going to hand me a mold labeled “Adult” and make me step into it, but loves me so much that He planned out a mold just for me–a perfect fit. And that mold, that day-by-day plan, is what I am going to grow into. So don’t be surprised if my mold turns out different.

 

“Abandonment of ourselves is the kernel of consecration, not presenting our gifts, but presenting ourselves without reserve.” –Oswald Chambers

 

Luke 16:16 “And He (Jesus) said to them (Pharisees), “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God.”

 

April 18, 2005

Listen to this: (err…read this)

 

“Christian Hedonism (personal note: I have not completely figured out what ‘hedonism’ literally means. I was thinking it was the crazy Greeks and Romans, but I think that was Hellenism???) is a philosophy of life built on the following five convictions:

 

1. The longing to be happy is a universal human experience, and it is good, not sinful.

2. We should never try to deny or resist our longing to be happy, as though it were a bad impulse. Instead, we should seek to intensify this longing and nourish it with whatever will provide the deepest and most enduring satisfaction.

3. The deepest and most enduring happiness is found only in God. Not from God, but in God.

4. The happiness we find in God reaches its consummation when it is shared with others in the manifold ways of love.

5. To the extent that we try to abandon the pursuit of our own pleasure, we fail to honor God and love people. Or, to put it positively: the pursuit of pleasure is a necessary part of all worship and virtue. That is:

 

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever. “

 

well? Agree or disagree?

 

still thinking?

 

that is some pretty heavy stuff.

 

That is the summary of John Piper’s book “Desiring God.” on some of the points I start to go under on understanding, but most of it is like “what?? For real? that makes sense!” kind of stuff.

 

You know what I realized? The spiritual atmosphere at the youth center has been much more real the past few weeks–and I can pin-point it to the day that God convicted me of not praying protection and spiritual help for the youth center. wow. It seems like God has also given me a renewed focus on working with the girls, and wisdom on where to go next. Of course, we went back to square one–after you are saved, you are baptized.

 

Tuesday I met with Erica. We went to Starbucks and over a frap had a really good talk. I felt the Lord leading, and so I was pretty blunt. it went something like this: “Erica, I want you to come to the youth center, but you have to make an effort. I want you to come, but I do not want to be in competition with you. You are a leader, and if you are leading in a different direction than me, I am no competition. the girls love you. For you to come, you need to going the same direction I am going–following God. If it is not worth it to you, then do not come back.” I felt really harsh. But she just looked up like “well, duh, I know that is what I need to do and yep, I will do it.” And from what I have seen so far, she seems to mean it. I am glad–I really do love those girls. And Ebony, who I would consider more of a follower, has just really been blossoming. She was one of the girls that got baptized on Sunday! Isn’t that a miracle?

 

guess what? it turns out that I am sun-intolerant. or something like that. one arm has totally broken out into some kind of heat rash since I have been out in the sun. I went and got some medicine for it, and the doctor was like “just wear long-sleeves until it goes away.” I asked how long that would be and they said it could be until my body gets used to the sun, or for years, or for forever. I balked at that. I said that I worked at the center and was outside all the time, and was going to Brasil for goodness sakes. They said it was up to me, and I could experiment, because they really have no clue what the red bumps are. I have decided to begin an all out attack and stay in the sun until my body decides it must have sun as much as my soul needs it. ahh. it seems to be working–or at least not getting worse. so please pray for that. Brasil and long sleeves? I don’t think so.

 

The rest of the week went well at the youth center, except for all the little issues–especially the little girl gossips and blah blah. I got a chance to talk with Dabrittnay, and that was neat. I walked over to her and she said “you have been wanting to talk to me for a long time, haven’t you?” and I had, so I agreed with her. She was glad I cared about her and was quite open with her issues. please continue praying for her. She is basically out of her depression thing, but has alot of issues she would rather run away from than deal with.

 

On Sunday I went to Faith in Avon, where John and Ms.Elizabeth take the kids every Sunday. I was not sure who all would be baptized (we had to get permission slips–yep–permission slips for baptism. I guess there is possible drowning fears? no, j/k) and was alittle worried about the girls backing out at the last minute, but Dabrittnay especially, and Ebony following helped the younger girls continue on. Boy were they nervous! We got back to the room to change (I got smart this time and brought my own clothes for them to use because last time EVERYONE forgot extra clothes and…well…we ended up double layering the robes and no one was the wiser) and all the girls suddenly had to use the restroom. Well, there was no time, so I just hurried the girls on. It was so neat because I got to be there for them…but as much as I loved the privilege, I wish so much that their parents had been there to do that for them. So with much giggles–and no tripping this time–the girls were baptized with radiant faces. Unfortunately, Ebony was so nervous she had to use the bathroom really bad. There were no restrooms behind the baptistery, so we had to run through the sanctuary and foyer to the nearest restroom–with her still dripping, wet clothes, and a towel and me leading with my arms full of clothes, including her shoes! I guarantee those people had never seen anything like that happen!:) it was pretty funny.

 

The girls that got baptized were Fanny, a younger girl that has recently been saved at the youth center, Diamond, that I wrote about last week who just got saved, Kayla, Dabrittnay’s younger sister (she was even brave enough to go first!:)), Dabrittnay, who has been saved and coming to the youth center for a LONG time, and Ebony, who was saved at the youth center two years ago. This is the second group of girls that I have gotten to see baptized, and man, it is something else. not that there is something magical…and not that baptism really makes any sense in the natural mind–but God says to do it, and with obedience comes such blessing that you wonder why you ever doubted.

 

For me personally? “Gain a moral victory in chastity or in your emotional life, it may be known to no one but yourself, and you are an untold benefit to everyone else…if you struggle to get through, others are the stronger and better for knowing you.”

–Oswald Chambers

 

Luke 14:15-23 “…A certain man gave a great supper and invited many…but they all with one accord began to make excuses…Then the master of the house, being angry, said to his servant, ‘Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city , and bring in here the poor and the maimed and the lame and the blind…Go out into the highways and hedges, and compel them to come in, that my house may be filled.”

 

April 12, 2005

It is always the weeks you have the most to say that you are too busy to say them!:)

 

By last Monday night I already had a handful of stories to type out. I went to go pick up the kids for the Westside and as I was turning, I don’t know if someone leaned against the widow or not, but the glass to the door window shattered. yep. shattered. all over the road, all over the kids…no one was hurt, so I pulled over and examined, shaking my head and saying “oh, this could not have happened.” but it did. the kids thought it was the greatest adventure since we had run out of gas and had to be picked up by the other van. and, I have to tell you, all in all, it was sorta funny. so now, not only do I have no horn and often no gas, but I have plastic covering the window (that regularly gets holes that mysteriously appear when kids get on–they have this fascination with making the holes bigger. I think it is a rule as strong as gravity.)

 

I went to go to try to pick up Tyray, who had not been to the youth center in forever. It turned out he was farther away than I thought, and we missed lunch. Tyray is Neka’s brother, and Neka is the girl I got very, very close to, but who ended up choosing weed over the youth center, me, and her relationship with God. As I took the kids home that night with our plastic window ruffling in the breeze, i stopped in at his house and had a good talk with him, Rodney, and Neka. Neka is always waiting for that one-more-opportunity that is going to make life okay again. This time, she is joining the job corps in May. She has to wait until May because they do drug tests and she has to be clean. From the looks of her eyes, it is not going to happen. But she wanted to talk, so that was a big step. Please pray for her. I want to reach out to her, but she has to step out and reach back. I cannot do it for her. it seems like just when I want to give up, she steps alittle closer, but never close enough.

 

Bugg had been kicked out of the center…for life…I believe, but came back and worked something out with Mr.James. After Bible study on Monday, he got up in front of everyone and told them what happened with him carrying a gun and getting arrested. He stressed that guns were horrible and not to be played with…blah blah…and all. I missed the speech, but heard about it from the kids. I was so glad that he cares enough to come back to do that–and I am glad that the kids were able to hear it. His girlfriend, Pookie, is getting MUCH bigger and is over 5 months along with their baby. Please pray for them. She has not been open to talking lately and seems to be completely satisfied with her life as it is–in eight grade having a baby.

 

Over the weekend Reggie and April had to move all their stuff out of their house. Reggie is living there with his dad and brothers and April is living there because her whole family is nuts. Anyways, Reggie’s dad got drunk and crazy and started yelling at Reggie and made them pack up all their things into the car. the car died before it made it to Reggie’s sister’s house, so they ended up back at the house until Reggie’s dad cooled down. He must have cooled down pretty fast since Reggie is paying half the rent money.

 

April came to the youth center and asked me when a good time to take the drivers test would be (she has had her permit for almost a year now). I said a Friday would be good. She thought I meant that Friday, but it worked out. She called me up to let me know she had an appointment on Friday at 8:30a.m. I picked her up to find out that she did not have her glasses. Her glasses are a whole story in themselves. I promise you, life just seems to give April some big whammies, because things that were so simple to me take forever and a day for her. We went to get her permit and she passed everything only to find she did not pass the eye test. So we went to find her some medical thing to cover the cost of glasses. Then we finally found the right ID that her mom had and got the glasses and then the permit. this process took over a month. Well, they said she did not really need the glasses, but I was glad we got them and everything was fine until a couple of weeks ago when another girl wore the glasses, kept them, and broke them. April still had all her things, including her glasses, packed in the car that broke down and was now in the shop. so I am counting the minutes on Friday morning as we have to find these glasses and get them because she has to wear them for her test! We get to the car place and the guy has the car on the lift. not only is he nice enough to climb up and get them, but he also lends us some scotch tape to tape them together. With our taped glasses in hand, we make it just in time for the appointment at the license branch. Well, April did not pass. She is going to take it again on the 22nd, so please pray for her. She is a much better driver than I was when I took my test, but I guess she drove 30 mph in a school zone. major no-no. I think I was more nervous for her than she was!

 

On Tuesday, a bunch of the girls left and went walking. This happens alot, but they are always back for Bible study. Not this time. And the rule is if you miss Bible study you find your own ride home and you are kicked out. Well, the girls strolled in after Bible study acting like nothing was wrong, sure that they would not be punished. When it came time to go, they got on the van and I told them they needed to get off. When I had first talk to their mom, she was fine with them walking home, but then she calls and is like “I am going to sue if you make them walk home and if they get hurt it is your fault…” we have them sign a release paper, but I just felt torn. I had this rule in front of me that I needed to follow. I sure did not want these girls having to walk home–quite a long way–even if it was a nice night. But they had to learn they could not disregard the rules. finally, we agreed that we would take them home, but they would have a much longer time that they would be kicked out. I was stressed. after the whole battle, I just felt like they did not care and they would never learn. It was Ebony, Erica, and Michelle O. Michelle was pretty innocent and was cry and upset about the whole thing, but for Ebony and Erica, it just seemed like nothing worked. They started coming to the center almost two years ago, and I had the privilege of leading them to the Lord soon after. But since then, nothing has really changed at all. I was tired of fighting with them and arguing and I just did not care. I felt like no matter what I did, nothing would help them learn. And I also felt horrible myself. I felt like a parent who is forced up against the wall making decisions for their child: “do I punish them? no mercy? do I forgive? do I ease up?” I don’t know everything, and sometimes it feels like everyone expects me to know it all. I am just a girl. I am just a girl that fails and cannot think beyond the moment. I didn’t know if I had totally made a mountain out of a mole hill and just hit a wall. Of course, it is those times that God always provides someone to encourage you, and Mr.John and Destiny were lovely. The next day I got some extra sleep and had a long chat with the Lord and felt much better.

 

I have been working on my worrying this week. And I was definitely worrying about this. I took the proper steps and thanked the Lord for the situation (1 Theses. 5:18), but I sure did not know what to do next. But bit by bit the steps became clear. Michelle called me the next day and we talked about things and got things straightened out. When she came back to the center today, she ran to me and gave me a big hug. That is an awesome feeling. Ebony then called me up. They want to know if they are really kicked out for 2 months or so. So I pulled an Esther thing. I figured if they would wait the first 3 days being kicked out (which is what originally was the punishment) and then still take the initiate to spend time talking with me, I would meet with them one on one. So tonight I took Ebony to McDonalds and we talked. it was good. She listened and really showed interest. I asked her what had changed in the two years since she had been saved, and she said not much. We talked about some ways that could change, and she stepped up to the challenge. I am glad. I really like those girls. I meet with Erica tomorrow, so please pray for all of those girls.

 

You know how I asked you to pray about the church situation? Well, we decided that since the 12 and under kids could come, and the dedicated kids could come, that on Wednesdays, only the girls and guys God Squad (the discipleship program) and younger kids could come to the center. This way, we could have special meetings with the God Squads and special privileges, challenging the other kids to get involved spiritually at the youth center and join the God Squads.

 

As I was talking with the girls, Diamond (yep, that is her name. her sister’s name is Heavenly) came and wanted to be a part of the God Squad. To start, you have to fill out a booklet, writing out your testimony. Well, after the second question she said “I am not saved, but I want to be!” So, right there, Diamond received Christ! It was so neat to have a table talk with all the girls on the God Squad and talk about stuff like “Diamond just got saved–she is now your sister in Christ–be happy with her!” and they were. The whole general feeling at the youth center was amazing. The girls were talking about how they wanted to start memorizing verses and going out passing out fliers more. They were giving Diamond hugs and laughing. We talking about Baptism and I am handing out permission slips let and right, but I really have no idea who all will be ready to be baptized this Sunday (PLEASE KEEP THAT IN PRAYER!). We are talking about baptism over and over and the girls are getting really excited because many of them have waited SOOO long to obey the Lord in this area!

 

It was such a blessing to my soul. Especially to see Jasmine B. She took DaBrittnay aside and started talking with her. She came to me later and told me that DaBrittnay was planning to run away at the end of the month. DaBrittnay agreed. DaBrittnay has been showing alot of depression signs, so please pray for her. I know there is alot going on, and I think the running away is all talk, but still pray. you never know until after it happens. Jasmine B. has been encouraging her and giving her hope and help. it is awesome to see. What is also amazing is that today, DaBrittnay came with a friend, Brittany. Brittany wanted to fill out the girls God Squad book, and DaBrittnay helped her. As I talked with DaBrittnay later, I said “you do know she is your girl now. When she needs help, you be there for her. When she has questions about God, you answer them. You encourage her to grow. It is called discipleship.” DaBrittnay looked up, more animated than I have seen her for awhile going “is that what it is called? that is so neat Ms.Rachel. I like that. I really do.” WOWOWOWOW! doesn’t that make your heart jump??? oh joy. I have written down the goal of the girls discipling other girls since I first started working at the center. and here, it just falls in my lap.

 

There are always alot of side issues going on, but please do keep Vicky in prayer. She has alot of things to work through now that she is saved, and her mother does not think she is ready to be baptized. She really wants to be with the other girls this Sunday…so just keep that in prayer. She came up to me and Brittany as we were talking and gave us each hugs saying “God will bless you when you come here girl. He sure blessed me for meeting Ms.Rachel and the youth center–He will bless you” and then walked off:). She gives alot of joy, and I want to give as much back to her as I can. sometimes I just feel at a loss of where to start.

 

 

Thank you for your prayers for my Aunt Susie. We had the funeral and memorial service this weekend. I enjoyed getting together with my family, and truly, it was a celebration. We were all happy for Aunt Susie. Even the weather was happy and cheerful for Aunt Susie. At the memorial service, one of the nuns stood up to say that the MS (disease I cannot spell) was a gift. It was a gift. think about that. Yeah, I can see how God used it. yeah, I can understand that WE needed it. But a gift? a calling? a purpose? that is deep. and you know? she was right.

 

I am reading (for quite a few weeks now since I have little time) “Desiring God” by John Piper. Quite a revolutionary book. each time I pick it up it seems to give me a new incredible jewel of a thought about my God. Like how God’s purpose must be His own glory–because what we set our sights on glorying is the highest we will ever become–and for God to set His sights (so to say–this is rather a poor way of explaining it) on anything less than Himself would be making Himself less than God. That is why for us to set our sights on glorying in ourselves is so pathetic and low–when we could be setting our sights on God. Worshiping God is taking us to places higher than ourselves. It then talks about feelings and how somehow we have believed the lie that it is horrible to do what makes us happy. Nope, it is just we believe the lie that anything besides God will make us happy. C.S.LEwis (as always) says it better:

 

” If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion crept in from Kant and Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased.”

 

so get shook up alittle, huh?:)Luke 10:3 “Go your way; behold, I send you out as lambs among wolves.”

 

Rachel

 

****

Every day I hand you a piece of me

with how I dress, with what you see

with what I say, with how I pretend to be

 

I present you with a picture of me

it may be real, it may be fake

but interacting with you–it is yours to take

 

and there’s a risk to living

every single day

you never know where it will take you

you cannot see the way

 

and there’s a risk to friendship

as I hold you my hand

you can choose to grasp it

our you can let it land

 

every moment there is a chance

that it may be my last

but to open up my heart to you

is far more riskier a task

 

no man may be an island

but still so many try

having been bitten so much

they have forgotten how to cry

 

and there’s a risk to living

every single day

you never know where it will take you

you cannot see the way

 

and there’s a risk to friendship

as I hold you my hand

you can choose to grasp it

our you can let it land