June 23, 2005
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April 24, 2005
Before I tell you how I got sunburned wearing sandals on Wednesday, maybe you should know that now it is snowing outside. goodness. They say that has not happened since the 1960s.
it has been a neat week. I was actually supposed to be writing you from a friend’s house that I was house-sitting at, but with the rain and snow, they ended up coming back early, so now I am bundled up next to the heater downstairs–bringing out all the blankets and such I had put away in the beautiful 70s weather.
Please pray for Destiny. On Monday Mr.James had me come into the office while he confronted her about doing something inappropriate with a guy at the youth center. she flatly denied it. He had plenty of witnesses, including the guy, so we continued to talk to her, but she still said it was all true, or she “didn’t remember” it ever happening. I took her home with some assignments as well as having to let her know that until she got this right and told the truth, she could not come back. oh, I hate doing things like that. I am a horrible judge of telling if someone is lying. I would have believed her without the witnesses. I am glad Mr.James shouldered the responsibility. I just cannot understand how people can lie like that. Please pray, because she cannot make any spiritual headway until she comes to grips with this and faces the truth.
On Tuesday I took the girls to Cici’s Pizza. I had invited all the mothers to come, but they were all busy, so we wrote them nice cards while we ate. I figure it will probably take me inviting the mothers three or four times before they see I really want to make this effort to help them and they come–so we are starting. Sometimes I feel like I am these girls’ moms.
I looked down at one of the girl’s on Thursday and saw something crawling. yep, lice. I have been through this in the past and it is not fun. my goodness–last time when I began checking, 5 out of the 6 white kids at the center had lice. the girl was leaving at the time anyway, but I really do not know what to do if she keeps coming back without doing anything–something has to happen. Please pray especially for Ms.Elizabeth–her hair is a mile long and would take years to clean out if the lice got passed on through simple hugs or closeness that we always give!
On Friday the two weeks were up and so I was able to take April to get another driving test, since she failed the other one. the stakes were alittle higher this time, since her permit would expire the end of the month. Alot has been going on with April. She works at VP and a couple of weeks ago she was robbed at gun point. The guy pushed her and made her give him money (about 75$ in change) and the guy yelled “Thanks for letting me hold you up with this fake gun!” as he left with his change jingling. pretty ghetto. Then Reggie’s dad flipped out and kicked them out, only for them to have to return since their car died on them. He re-kicked them out last weekend and they found their own apartment. now I know you are thinking “Reggie and April living together?” yes, I know, and anyway you slice it, does not sound good and I cannot endorse it…but I can tell you (even though I could not tell if I was being lied to if my life depended on it) that April and Reggie’s relationship is more like an older brother/little sister thing. They do not sleep together, and I am pretty sure they have never kissed…or at least not seriously. But yeah, they are living together. it is a pretty nice duplex on Parker that has been fixed up. It still has some problems, like the window falling in and the bathtub leaking through the ceiling below, but it was clean and white. It is crazy to think that Reggie and April have their own place, their own car, and jobs. I have been feeling old lately.
Anyway, we get to the license branch right on time only to have April remember she forgot her glasses at the house. yep, the glasses that we worked years to get and the glasses that were listed as a restriction on her license. We contemplated what to do as there were no other time slots to take the test. April said what we were both thinking “it just feels like I am not meant to have my license!” We held our breath to see if the lady would remember to make her read line 5 in the eye thing before leaving and she did…and April read it! I knew her eyes were not bad, and the glasses people said she did not really need them–but this was a praise the Lord! April got back 15 minutes later with a big smile and got her picture on the plastic. You should have heard us! I don’t think that license branch has heard so much rejoicing in awhile! It was a like a huge breath released. Finally, after over a year of work, with driving practices and getting glasses and taking the test (the written test twice and the driving test twice), April is licensed! And, might I add, she is a pretty good driver too:).
House sitting has been neat for me. I don’t know why, but it really made me think. Friday morning I woke up in one of those moods. you know, the ”think-y” moods (watch out, I am pretty dangerous in them). it seemed like all these questions came out of hiding and attacked me. questions like “What is my life?” “what am I doing and why am I doing this?” just over redundant things like tying my shoes–I mean, why don’t I just stuff them in the sides? I was shopping for some food for the weekend at K-Mart and I was like “what am I buying? There is a whole store to choose from! Am I getting enough? am I forgetting something? I mean, I am 22 and do not go grocery shopping since I live at home. having all that responsibility suddenly hit me. I guess God knows what He is doing when He slowly and surely grows me up, because my word, I can’t handle adulthood all at once if this is what it is about. Suddenly I was having visions of leaving some obscure appliance on and burning the house down. someone PLEASE tell this is not what it means to be an adult.
I guess when it all comes down to it, I suddenly came to understand that my life had become something I do instead of something I am. I think this a couple times a year like clockwork–I wake out of my slumber and look around in black and white and yell “is this it? this is life? this is a piece of crud. Is this who I am? who am I supposed to be?” because somehow, somewhere unknown, I have stopped living life being, and turned into a doing robot beeping out “I am a good person because I do good things, if I do bad I am a bad person.” that is a really flat, pathetic life.
I was just recently having a super good talk with Anna, and she asked me what my motivation was–what made me happy to get out of bed and kept me going in my incredibly packed schedule. I gave her some really good answer at the time–a true answer. But thinking about it, sometimes even a perfect answer just does not cut it. Because there are times when there will be no motivation. That made me come to the conclusion that it has to be beyond me. Sometimes I get out of bed and do things because it is a habit. sometimes because it makes me feel good. yeah, sometimes it is for others–but you know, sometimes I get fed up with them too, and it is not enough–it has to be more–it has to be God. And, if God is my motivation, the reason why I step out of bed and pull up the covers to make my bed once again, then MY WORD, He’d better be the one who controls me continuously. Because otherwise, I’d better just hop right back in bed. makes me wonder how I can so quickly get away from asking Him what He wants me to do throughout the day.
On the outside, I don’t think anything I do will change–and when these questions come, I don’t think change of life is always the answer…the change is the motivation, the heart, the understanding of why I do what I do. becoming instead of doing. my think-by mood will run it’s course and I will wonder why I even thought about random things like putting my shoes on the right feet. But I don’t want life to fall back into a habit. I want each day fresh. And I know walking with my God is the answer to that. He is not going to hand me a mold labeled “Adult” and make me step into it, but loves me so much that He planned out a mold just for me–a perfect fit. And that mold, that day-by-day plan, is what I am going to grow into. So don’t be surprised if my mold turns out different.
“Abandonment of ourselves is the kernel of consecration, not presenting our gifts, but presenting ourselves without reserve.” –Oswald Chambers
Luke 16:16 “And He (Jesus) said to them (Pharisees), “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God.”
