My classroom. Ain’t it cute?

John was SOOO excited about the first day of school. He was alittle disappointed that i wasn’t teaching him English. But the boy is stinkin’ fluent already. what does he expect?

Cuteness? yes, but not after she screamed all morning. bleh. she doesn’t like me. This is Livia.

This is Allan. He likes me. He was a sweety all week. so there.

 

This is what happens when you don’t listen to Josue. i am finding there are millions of uses for flipflops. yeah baby.

 

February 25

Some things happen that you just don’t understand. Random little things that remind you that the world is a pretty crummy place. Like today, after working for a couple hours on a research paper, finding that I’d saved it in the wrong place and somehow cannot find it on the computer.

 

And then some things happen that make you smile and know that there is more in heaven. Like getting to see my boys today. Everyone from Timbauba came to the Alcance for the weekend, and it is just like last year where we got together for a mini-camp. Oh, it is awesome. And God has been working in these guys’ lives. And I get to see the results. I love it.

 

And I will love it even more after I re-write this silly paper. Argg.

 

February 26

 

Happy Birthday John! Six years old! Wowee.

 

I have now begun the “perpetual red-nose” phase in Brasil. Sun block does not work when you are seven degrees from the equator. I love Feriadas (holidays). Brasilians know how to do it. I saw on TV 12 million people in the streets of Recife, partying all day. They looked hot. I was hot sitting in front of a fan, let alone squashed in the street. My first thought was that Brasilians must have this “party gene” in them that us Americans don’t. But I don’t believe it. I think that US-ians have just learned how to squelch it better—or hide it. We’ve become more “respectable” and bound all those emotions that are inside into our blue-collar shirts and two-week vacations a year. Then we wonder why these new words called “mid-life crisis” and “mental breakdowns” are becoming common. Perhaps if we all spent a month at the beach like they do here that stress would go down. Just a thought.

 

I played futebol and scored a goal. A real one. On the full-size field. Yessssss. The field was dry dirt and I kept eating it. I gotta learn to run with my mouth closed. And my socks will never ever be white again. I was as close as being black as I’ll ever be.

 

“When you know you should do a thing and you do it, immediately you will know more.” –Oswald Chambers

 

February 27

 

Last week was hard. I hadn’t rested during my six weeks at home, and then had a plane trip and jumped into teaching. Friday night I lay on my bed, exhausted, sick (some stomach flu went around) and whiney. I was disappointed in myself. I felt like I only “survived” life. And I wanted to LIVE it. You know, when you open your eyes in the morning and feel the sunshine and are excited about living. Excited about the opportunities the day holds. Knowing you lived the adventure the day before. Karine came in and patted my head and told me that it was okay to be tired. To only survive life sometimes. I needed that. somehow, it made everything better. I sat and listened to music. The music spoke ABOUT me, explaining my thoughts and words and feelings. And it spoke FOR me, speaking my heart’s cry in beautiful form. And it spoke TO me, comforting me and drawing me close. I love music.

 

“Pray about everything. This solves the mystery of what we should pray for…When once we realize that we can never think of anything our Father will forget, worry becomes impossible.” –Oswald Chambers

 

I want more. My prayers seem so short and futile. They seem earth-bound and self-centered. I want to focus and live but my resolve fades after a couple of minutes and I am distracted by an ant walking across my arm. My mind runs a thousand courses and soon prayer is left for later. What is ritual and what is real? What is me trying to get God to do what I think should happen? Grow me God.

 

I started reading “Fueled by Faith” by Jennifer Kennedy Dean. The first few pages have challenged me and I must figure it out before I continue on. She asks if we think we have enough faith. Well of course not. She points out that many people think faith is “if I can learn how faith operates through prayer, then I can get God to do what I think He should do when I think He should do it. If I can understand how faith works, I can get everything to go my way.”

 

This is me. Not in these exact words, and obviously I know that concept is wrong, but how often has something bad happened and I would go back and say “oh, if only I’d prayed more or believed more or had more faith…then it would not have happened or the outcome would have been different.” Or how often have I cried over the pain I see and feel and had the thought in the back of my mind “How could God allow this? I know He is good and omnipotent, but He must be crying over this with me and sad that He had to allow this.” I have all the correct theology and answers, but inside, in reality, when I see evil and pain sometimes I despise God and think Him weak, I see Him as the Great Being who must turn His back and allow some of this ugliness. Then I hate myself for thinking that and so instead blame my weak faith.

 

So if I did have all faith, everything would be perfect, right? No. Faith is, as Peter learned when walking on water that “I can boldly respond to Jesus’ voice because even if I slip, He will not let me drown.” Faith is not in an outcome of a situation, it is in a Person—Jesus. So do I really believe that He is sovereign? That any horrible thing that happens—His purposes are good and loving? ANYTHING? Two things came to my mind: sickness (pain) and child abuse. I struggle with seeing this and seriously believing that it is for good. Rape? Get this: “Is that the measure? Whether or not YOU can see? My friend, it is not. Faith is knowing that God sees what you cannot…When you think faith means deciding on an outcome and blocking all other possibilities out of your mind, you will often be disappointed. You will have to come up with an explanation, and it will most likely be, “I didn’t have enough faith.”

 

“You will find that once you move to the kind of faith that knows beyond a doubt that no circumstance can defeat you and that every circumstance will work out to your benefit, you will also find that more times than you ever realized, God is diverting difficulties, smoothing the path you are walking, and bringing supernatural supply into your life. You will realize that you can live continually in the assurance that God is working productively in ever detail of your life.” In other words, that in Christ you are invincible. Even death only brings a new adventure. I like it.

This is the “cute people picture” they told me so themselves. they also told me i was not invited. grr.

This was the limo i got for the girls. We went to Cici’s pizza and the mall. The people eating all stopped and staired. very cool.

This is me and my sis–Erica. She wrote me this incredible letter before i left. it made me cry. i have it hanging on my wall.

messin’ around the mall.L to R: Ms. Elizabeth, me, Kenisha, Marshelle, Erica, Natalie, Wrianna

My darlin’ sis put together a game-night-Rachel-is-leaving-thing for me. Don’t you love her expression? L to R: Corey, part of Katie’s head, Craig, Anna, Wrianna (just her nose and eyes) Erica, Derek, Tyray, Donavan (with the cool hat) two girls i don’t know, Kristen and Bethany. thanks ya’ll!

more pictures to come…from sunny Brasil!

 

Sorry this is late…just got internet connection today…things  are alittle different in a different country…

 

February 18, 2006

 

I am eating Bo-go-gi (some oriental meat stuff my mom made) and still sitting in Indianapolis. People really want to get out of Indy in February. Really really. The flight was overbooked, so instead of spending all day in Miami, I am waiting an hour, going to Dallas and then Miami—plus getting a $300 voucher, FIRST CLASS (yeah baby) and breakfast and lunch on the plane  (which I woulda had to buy).

 

Since I had already promised I would NOT visit South Beach in Miami during my layover (not only was it an hour and a half each way by bus, but it is also a topless beach and kinda dangerous), and had resigned myself to be a good girl and write the four papers due by Midnight for one of my internet classes.

 

I finished packing last night—er, this morning and prayed the suitcases would not be too heavy. They showed up on the scale as 62 and 69 pounds. Considering they have changed the weight limit to 50 pounds a bag, we brought a bag for me to take stuff out of and leave at home. Perhaps the lady didn’t look at the weight. Perhaps it was God. But my bags are checked and not a word was said. And my dad slipped me a $10…hiding the three $20s inside. Thanks Dad.

 

I like airports. I like the adventure of flying. I like showing up and not knowing what will happen…like suddenly going to DallasJ. There is a poor lady here who was supposed to go to her sister’s wedding yesterday. The plane had mechanical problems. She’s stuck here. I feel bad. This weather is sure sending me away with a bang. Yuck. I am cold because I sent my coat home with my family. I sure won’t need it in Brasil.

 

I haven’t had a lot of time to think lately. I’ve had to do. And I think that was good for me. because sometimes I think too much. I think myself right out of things. Sometimes you just need to live. I am not saying to go out and do rash things, I just think that sometimes we get so scared of our desires and emotions that we forget that they are an important part of life.

 

The power outlet didn’t work in Dallas, so now I am sitting in Miami. At the same gate where I was waiting to go to Brasil last July 1^st. I was writing on my laptop then too. My flights were good. First class means good food. I even had my own salt and pepper shaker. Ooohhh. The lady next to me said I sure didn’t look like I was 23, and I returned the favor by honestly saying she didn’t look like she was 82. Next time I sat next to a “business man.” I guess “business men” don’t speak.

 

 

February 19, 2006

 

Wow. I am here. Really really. Sitting with shorts and a tank top with the fan on me, sweating. Miami to Sao Paulo was fine, I sat next to a Brasilian who’d been to New Zealand and delighted to tell me about how his friends did weed and how to flip someone off in New Zealand. About midnight (2 am Brasil time) I was fumbling around, trying to get some sleep when the nose thing happened. Anyone on long plane flights understands what I am saying. The plane air suddenly gets to you and it makes your nose tingle and you feel like you can’t breathe so you try through your mouth but that never works. It is a horrible, stuffy, headache nose thing. Ugg. Then I had my “what the heck am I doing?” moment…we arrived three hours later and I got both of my bags…but while putting them on the cart I somehow got my hand stuck between the bag and cart. It didn’t hurt tremendously, but it hit a nerve and the next thing I remember I had my head down on my bags thinking “breathe Rachel, breath, you can’t faint in Sao Paulo.” My stomach turned knots and my face felt deathly cold for about 15 minutes. I must have looked pretty bad too, because they waved me right through all the customs. My hand still hurts.

 

I arrived in Recife greeted by whistles and dancing…they are preparing for all the turists coming for Carnival next week. They even gave me free sunscreen. Tele and Heather were there to pick me up and I was a zombie most the rest of the day while I slept on and off…tomorrow the school starts, so at 7:00am we are to meet the children.

 

Ahh, it is beautiful here. Like coming home. Somehow I wonder if part of me isn’t really alive unless I am here.

 

February 21, 2006

So we had the first and second day of school. I woke up still jet lagged (4am US time) and stumbled into the uniform (a big white polo shirt with the logo and skirt—thanks so much for the black skirt Mom, I’ll be wearing it everyday. grin) and greeted the kids. Since I hadn’t seen the curriculum, the schedule, or anything else, I followed the other teachers around and make sure no kids fell in the pool. About all the English we managed was “hi” and “cat.” English to them seems like we’re just telling them the wrong word.

 

Milena was drawing a lion and I said “lion” and she said “no, lion (in Portuguese, is pronounced LAY-yaon)” and proceeded to correct us most of the day anytime we said anything in English with the proper Portuguese word. To tell you the truth, I don’t remember too much more of the first day…I just remember getting through it.

 

Today we started to get more things figured out, and Livia didn’t like it. she protested by screaming for at least 30 minutes today. I am with the youngest class, 2s and 3s from 7:30-10:00. We are learning English. Yep. Karine and I speak it all the time and then ask them things in English. If they don’t understand, we act it out and repeat it. Pretty much, they get the idea. But sometimes it has glitches. Like when they get all Englished out and just want Portuguese. Or when they ask for something and I have no clue what they are saying in Portuguese. Today Milena learned how to say please—in English and Portuguese. Lovely.

 

From 10:00-12:00 I join the older class- 4s and 5s and basically do the same thing over again…teaching songs, activities in English, games learning English, storytime (I think I will attempt puppets) and then *whew*, playtime. Yes, I sing the clean up song, the brush your teeth song, and the wash your hands song. And look pretty silly doing it. and they love it. Almost everyone can say “everybody clean up” now.

 

I then eat an incredible meal of rice and beans. Oh it is so good. And do the same thing again from 2-4. not eating beans…teaching English. They are letting some kids go to their own school then come in the afternoon just for learning English. And that’s me. and about 4, I die. But I really enjoy it. really really.

 

My curriculum hasn’t arrived yet. I am going by the skin of my teeth…planning right before I go down for class…or waiting inside the classroom for inspiration. That is bad, I know. But after this week we have a week off for Carnival. Gracias a Deus! We can plan and talk about stuff then…as well as go to the beach. We’ll stay away from any cities, because things get crazy…everyone says it is horrible. Maybe I am horrible for being curious, but carnival is part of Brasilian culture, and I want to understand it.

 

 

February 22, 2006

It rained today. It does not normally rain during summer, at least not like this. It must have freaked out the bugs because I left the light on and door open to my room…only to be swamped with them. They even tried to take the computer. But I bravely assinated them until I saw these ants as big as…well, a third of my finger…then I looked for bug spray. Karine told me she ate some of those big ants. They roast them. Any ant big enough to roast is no friend of mine. Nope.

 

And a lizard fell on my head. He was pretty dazed by it. I took it all in stride.

 

Today was our best day yet. Third day’s the charm. Milena told her father I was “chato” which means anywhere from boring to annoying to a pain in the rear (depending on the sentence and the tone I guess). How depressing. But she did say please today. John and Mateus were playing with the “my little pony” thing when John came to me and told me very seriously how they were only “putting them away,” not “playing with them, because they were not girls.” Hmm.

 

“When (Jesus) said “Follow me,” (the disciples) followed Him at once; it was no cross to them. It would have been a cross not to follow, for the spell of Jesus was on them.” –Oswald Chambers

 

“Examine me, o Lord, and prove me. Try my mind and my heart.” Ps. 26:2

 

i am exhausted with packing. and i have not started yet. and i found out you can only have 50 pounds instead of 70. i am going to be praying ALOT.

 

Math is done. yessssss.

and an amazing answer to prayer–this year, for the first time ever, the goverment has decided along with me that i am poor and needy and will be giving me a Pell Grant…which will pay for the rest of my degree when i return from Brasil. wow. double wow. God provided so that i was able to pay this semester’s school bill (today). Amazing, or what?

 

Yesterday the youth center *happened* to be learning about Brasil during tutorial time. So i got to teach it. and make up questions. such as “so how far will i be living from the beach?” (hey, that is geography, right?) grin.

Natalie sucessfully fooled me. just when i thought i understood hair…today she came in with short hair. she’s had long hair since i’ve been back at the center, so i commented on her hair cut. she busted out with “girl, don’t you know about tracks?” it was fake the whole time. i still don’t know how she did it. she said it was glue. glue?

Please pray for Vicki. She came to the youth center once while i was back, and as we talked she said “i am going over to the clinic to see if i caught anything.” She has been sleeping with a guy that has numerous STDs. lost. that is how i felt. she knows better. it is an addiction with her. and i only had five minutes before we both had to leave. so i simply hugged her and prayed. and cried. i don’t know what is going to happen with her.

Jasmine has been going to a christian school on a scholarship through Good News Mission. She’s had so many struggles. and yesterday they said she would not be going anymore, due to broken promises and such. i didn’t have anything to say once again…just letting her cry. please pray for her. she’s moved and won’t be able to even go to the center much anymore, she might have to start a grade behind…it is changing her whole life. And…two other people in her family have done the same thing–been kicked out of the christian school. She felt like she was going to be the one to change that. she feels like she let everyone down.

I took the girls to the valentine’s party yesterday. a ladies sunday school class has been doing this party for us for the past 4 years i’ve worked at the center, and the girls always love it. We sang (attempted) for the ladies, decorated cookies, waited (patiently) for the pizza guy, and then dived into the food. To me it meant so much to be able to go. to drive up with the girls, singing “Lean on me” with all their remixes at the top of our lungs. it is like a tradition and tradition is important…i am learning that more and more.

God is good. oh, and i promised not to go to the beach while i’m in Miami. so don’t worry about me:).

yeah, I was alittle loopy and wrote “ode to chapstick.” that is life.

Do you ever feel like we’re all here just standing in line, waiting to be found out for the frauds we really are?

i had “the moment” the other day. i was sitting in prayer meeting and suddenly had the thought “oh, i’d better pray good because i just gave my presentation in church and these ladies are thinking of me as a missionary now”

isn’t that horrible? of all the disgusting thoughts that one takes me back. to pray for the reason of upholding some kind of image…gross. I have the feeling that i will have “the moment” again. i also have a sinking feeling that many people in ministry have this feeling. suddenly, people are watching. They have expectations. you get funny looks when you don’t act like a “normal” missionary/pastor/teacher/leader/whatever would do.

So then Satan gives you these nudges saying “oh, you’d better do____because otherwise they won’t like it and they won’t support you or pray for you…” then he turns around and accuses you saying “see, you are just a fake because you only serve God because it is your image…” it isn’t fair. He doesn’t play fair.

Am i a slave to society

am i bound to what’s acceptable

do i refuse to live life

outside the box

do i condemn all others

who bite at normalcy

who dare to rock the boat

and get me wet

 

are my fears

of what they’ll think

holding me back

from life outside

or are they right

and all the dreamers

give up when things are hard

 

am i kicking against the goads

am i supposed to hold

on to the these loads

is it all just a ruse

to make me feel unsatisfied

and used

or is there hope

is there more

outside the box

 

is it okay to do things

unconventionally

when is breaking the rules

alright

is this an issue of culture

and society

or of rejecting what i know

is right and wrong

 

is God only found in a church

do i have to follow a prescription

to get well

do You meet me where i am

or must i first meet expectations

 

if everyone is against it

is it my chance to stand alone

or You telling me to change

do i continue on

or assume You’re telling me “NO.”

have i given in to criticism

because it was easy

or because it was right

 

How can i discern

this illusive thing called

the Will of God

and does it ever change

are my feelings important

do You take them into account

when You tell me what to do

 

Will You change my heart

to conform to Your will

or is my heart revealing

Where You’ll move

 

Am i putting words

in Your mouth

because it is what i want to hear

Am i scared of myself

and so assuming You’ll say “NO”

 

is it wrong to struggle

to have questions and not know

to admit Your way is unclear

and want it to change

 

do i built a wall around myself

to guard against my weakness

or do i let it down

and let Your strength be sufficient

even if i fall again

 

i’d rather fall

than be untouchable

i’d rather believe in good and honor

and die in ignorance

than live to see evil win

 

and if You want me to live

not knowing and with no answers

let me trust You

Let me love you enough

to love life in its uncertainty

because i am certain of You

i’m a chapstick kind of girl

lipstick just won’t do

i tried from pink to red to brown

and now i’m through

the stuff tastes horrible

and does not last for long

it gets all over everything

and makes my face look wrong

so now i’m back to chapstick

from vanilla to strawberry

or if i’m feeling up to it

i may try wild cherry…

Pick a band or singer you like, and then fill out the answers with ONLY song titles from that band or singer. i stole this from my friend’s website…you are so cool Jo!

band/singer: Switchfoot

1. are you male or female: Ben Hur
2. describe yourself: Concrete girl
3. how do some people feel about you?: More than fine
4. how do you feel about yourself?: Life and love and why
5. describe your love interest: Stars 
6. where would you rather be?:  Gone
7. describe what you want to be: Adding to the noise
8. describe how you live: On Fire 
9. describe how you love: Learning to Breathe
10. share a few words of wisdom: Dare you to move