February 28, 2006
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February 25
Some things happen that you just don’t understand. Random little things that remind you that the world is a pretty crummy place. Like today, after working for a couple hours on a research paper, finding that I’d saved it in the wrong place and somehow cannot find it on the computer.
And then some things happen that make you smile and know that there is more in heaven. Like getting to see my boys today. Everyone from Timbauba came to the Alcance for the weekend, and it is just like last year where we got together for a mini-camp. Oh, it is awesome. And God has been working in these guys’ lives. And I get to see the results. I love it.
And I will love it even more after I re-write this silly paper. Argg.
February 26
Happy Birthday John! Six years old! Wowee.
I have now begun the “perpetual red-nose” phase in Brasil. Sun block does not work when you are seven degrees from the equator. I love Feriadas (holidays). Brasilians know how to do it. I saw on TV 12 million people in the streets of
I played futebol and scored a goal. A real one. On the full-size field. Yessssss. The field was dry dirt and I kept eating it. I gotta learn to run with my mouth closed. And my socks will never ever be white again. I was as close as being black as I’ll ever be.
“When you know you should do a thing and you do it, immediately you will know more.” –Oswald Chambers
February 27
Last week was hard. I hadn’t rested during my six weeks at home, and then had a plane trip and jumped into teaching. Friday night I lay on my bed, exhausted, sick (some stomach flu went around) and whiney. I was disappointed in myself. I felt like I only “survived” life. And I wanted to LIVE it. You know, when you open your eyes in the morning and feel the sunshine and are excited about living. Excited about the opportunities the day holds. Knowing you lived the adventure the day before. Karine came in and patted my head and told me that it was okay to be tired. To only survive life sometimes. I needed that. somehow, it made everything better. I sat and listened to music. The music spoke ABOUT me, explaining my thoughts and words and feelings. And it spoke FOR me, speaking my heart’s cry in beautiful form. And it spoke TO me, comforting me and drawing me close. I love music.
“Pray about everything. This solves the mystery of what we should pray for…When once we realize that we can never think of anything our Father will forget, worry becomes impossible.” –Oswald Chambers
I want more. My prayers seem so short and futile. They seem earth-bound and self-centered. I want to focus and live but my resolve fades after a couple of minutes and I am distracted by an ant walking across my arm. My mind runs a thousand courses and soon prayer is left for later. What is ritual and what is real? What is me trying to get God to do what I think should happen? Grow me God.
I started reading “Fueled by Faith” by Jennifer Kennedy Dean. The first few pages have challenged me and I must figure it out before I continue on. She asks if we think we have enough faith. Well of course not. She points out that many people think faith is “if I can learn how faith operates through prayer, then I can get God to do what I think He should do when I think He should do it. If I can understand how faith works, I can get everything to go my way.”
This is me. Not in these exact words, and obviously I know that concept is wrong, but how often has something bad happened and I would go back and say “oh, if only I’d prayed more or believed more or had more faith…then it would not have happened or the outcome would have been different.” Or how often have I cried over the pain I see and feel and had the thought in the back of my mind “How could God allow this? I know He is good and omnipotent, but He must be crying over this with me and sad that He had to allow this.” I have all the correct theology and answers, but inside, in reality, when I see evil and pain sometimes I despise God and think Him weak, I see Him as the Great Being who must turn His back and allow some of this ugliness. Then I hate myself for thinking that and so instead blame my weak faith.
So if I did have all faith, everything would be perfect, right? No. Faith is, as Peter learned when walking on water that “I can boldly respond to Jesus’ voice because even if I slip, He will not let me drown.” Faith is not in an outcome of a situation, it is in a Person—Jesus. So do I really believe that He is sovereign? That any horrible thing that happens—His purposes are good and loving? ANYTHING? Two things came to my mind: sickness (pain) and child abuse. I struggle with seeing this and seriously believing that it is for good. Rape? Get this: “Is that the measure? Whether or not YOU can see? My friend, it is not. Faith is knowing that God sees what you cannot…When you think faith means deciding on an outcome and blocking all other possibilities out of your mind, you will often be disappointed. You will have to come up with an explanation, and it will most likely be, “I didn’t have enough faith.”
“You will find that once you move to the kind of faith that knows beyond a doubt that no circumstance can defeat you and that every circumstance will work out to your benefit, you will also find that more times than you ever realized, God is diverting difficulties, smoothing the path you are walking, and bringing supernatural supply into your life. You will realize that you can live continually in the assurance that God is working productively in ever detail of your life.” In other words, that in Christ you are invincible. Even death only brings a new adventure. I like it.
