i fixed my watch. with a safety pin. ghetto.
i scratched up my hand breaking up a fight tonight. in some weird way, i will miss that.
camping. roots. water.
we celebrated my brother’s birthday. i am going to miss it. again.
my dad said this was the one picture he got just right. see the falls behind us?
a weekend without internet and it takes me hours to catch up. i am an addict. that is all there is to say. and i must prepare myself for withdrawal. grr.
And i thought i wouldn’t get any snow before i left for Brasil. after putting the covers over my freezing nose last night, i am ready for it to go away. or for me to go away, which is much more convenient for the rest of the world.
in some weird way, whenever i do something i shouldn’t i want to get caught. not all the way…but i want to know for sure that it really does pay to do right. that it pays to get places on time. it pays to park in the right places–that those little sacrifices are worth it.
Sometimes i think my/our/people’s vision of purity is a man crawling across the dessert, gasping, saying “purity…must have purity…until i get to marriage…” let it be a lifestyle…a character quality in me my whole life long. it seems hard because sometimes purity feels like killing everything i want…denying desires over and over. and i am not even talking about sex…”little things” like what movie i watch or music i listen to…God, give me your vision of purity.
Someone asked me what they could pray for me for while i was in Brasil. i fumbled. hadn’t been asked that in awhile…especially not when they had a notebook in hand and so were actually serious about it. i haven’t sent out an official “prayer letter” thing since i wrote all about it in my Christmas letter…and God has provided the finances. how horrible that i would only put in the extra effort when i was worried about cheddar/cheese/bread/dough/the green thingys.
So yes, i leave next Friday, spend the weekend at the Everglades, and then arrive in Brasil February 6th. please pray for:
1. The trip. time with God. to be romanced. to enjoy intimacy with Him. alone.
2. The school. teaching 30 some kids, i want to be consistent, i want to do more than what is required, and i want to do it JOYFULLY. teaching is rather exhausting. i don’t want to be tired.
3. The ministry. there is a link “Alcance” on my xanga if you want to see some of what all is going on in Brasil. it is an amazing ministry. amazing people who live with the Spirit of God. the church planting. i hope to specifically be involved in the music ministry, more English classes (that i squeeze in somewhere) and living stones–a program for the poorest kids…run alot like the youth center here in Indy. and of course church planting.
4. Me. i want to give. i want to be a blessing. i want to be a well overflowing with God. i want to forget about me. to encourage these people who inspire me, but are still flesh and blood and guts and glory. i want to be found faithful. and finish my internet classes and take some Portuguese classes. and no grumpy, self-pity, whinny moments.
so please, do keep all this in your prayers. my xanga is selfish in wanting to not be words on paper, but requests for the most valuable gift–time on your knees. my heart overflows towards those who have been so kind to me, my life is one most blessed by love. thank you. i will be in Brasil (Lord willing) until August. if you have any other questions, please write me, i love e-mails. amobrasil99@hotmail.com
and don’t worry…i am sure i will write more updates than you can read:). let me know if you want me to add/remove you from my e-mail list…i want to keep that current and useful to YOU, not me. Deus Abensoi.
i took off the music because it was making the site hard to get into…or delaying it…you know, another thing to worry about. 27 kids in Bible study…that was just 12 and under. lots of amazing kids.
Nathan and Darren showed up today. so glad to see them, because it has been awhile. i asked about their older brother and sister…Nathan said they are both locked up. one until he is 18 and the other for at least 5 months. i asked Nathan what he was going to do to not be like them when he grows up. he said he’d just not steal and stuff. am i simply sitting on the side, watching a tragedy of life? when will it stop? please pray for that family.
Taxes. i am off to do mine. ***** already did hers. (name erased to protect privacy) and got a 3 THOUSAND dollar refund. explain this to me. she claimed her 20 year old cousin. which actually, in reality, she is taking care of…
so…around the ghetto…tax time is the real Christmas. i had to break a 50 at the youth center snack store thingy. (gosh we need a name)
i love the hugs i get coming in. i love how they stop by the office to offically say “hello” and be noticed. i like the little kids who must have my attention 24/7. i love the girls who gave me their passwords to myspace because they trust me…i am gonna miss it here.
and the ironic thing is…i will be in Miami for the superbowl. the one time the Colts are in it. i didn’t plan that either. i intend on enjoying the day in the Everglades. someone told me it would cost like 4g’s to get a ticket anyways.
Erica, Danielle, Me, Jojo, Kenisha, Kayla, Savannah, and Tisha
Johnny, Jonathon, Leo, Savanna, me, and Dante
ain’t she pretty? i do portrait pictures for free…
don’t even ask me to name them…lots of new kids have been coming recently. this was after i beat them all in tag. in a skirt. is it me, or is the sun trying to point out the already obvious fact that I AM WHITE?
ball pit. hasn’t been cleaned in 3 years. enough said.
my boys. we lost our third game–128-130. i personally think due to a bad call…
L to R: Ben, Clay, Mr.James, Leo, Mark (in front) Vladimir, Johnny, Jonathon, Chris, Lamont, Larry, and Dante
i was inspired by the amazing artistry of Micah…i’d put a link if i knew how…but this was my attempt at capturing a place special to me.
Peter (John’s friend) just fell in our “pond” out back (it’s actually a horse trouf…trough…troph…food storage thingy) and John proudly told me “i saveded him from drowning!” now he’s singing in the bathtub. i like little boys. especially when i can sit here and document the interesting things they do instead of deal with it. Dad is running around finding everyhing and worrying abou hypothermia for me. oh wait…now we lost Seth…
My mom gets back tomorrow. amazing how fast and well the time went. so if i needed to run a house, i now know i could…i don’t think it will be my choice for awhile though…
Everyone has the moment. where something suddenly happens and you realize that you are not control of your life…or anything. Like when Hannah fell down the stairs and they thought she was dead (she is, by the way, up and running around just fine). you just can’t plan for those things. i don’t know when it is that i start thinking i am invincible in life…but apparently i do. or at least figure that some areas of my life are settled enough to forget about. i got some letters on Saturday. Letters that said “NO MORE FINANCIAL AID” stuff. which means not only do i need to pay for my current classes, but won’t get the refund that will be VERY nice. i freaked. worried. had a stomach ache. and sat there thinking “the office is closed, i can’t do anything about it until Tuesday…and i need to trust God and not freak out about it–God is still God and it is not the end of the world.” and yet…i wish i could tell you i handle every emergency or sudden change with the grace of someone who knows God is God and everything else is small stuff. i don’t. i went in and talked with the people…turns out it was a simple mistake…everything is fine. sigh of relief.
one day, i will be able to say it was a bump that didn’t phase me. my eyes were only on Jesus. one day.
hmm. can i manage the world of facebook, myspace, xanga, and e-mail? i am going to have to schedule my time when i’m in Brasil, because i’m not even online that often. grrrreat.
there is much to be said for human interaction. last weekend i spent time with some wonderful couples. people i look up to. people that i could watch what was going on unspoken between the husband and wife and want that in my life someday. It was so nice to talk to these people that i normally only e-mail.
Esha went with us to Church. Nehemiah, her little brother, was there, so i told him to grab his clothes and come along too. Erica was the one that really connected us and made it happen. They really liked it. and then my Dad took them to McDonalds and topped it off with ice cream. They are pretty determind to come next week. i’m glad.
There were 17 kids under 12 in Bible study tonight. alittle crazy. We are doing an overview of the New Testament. tonight was 1 Corinthians. There is alot of good stuff in 1 Corinthians…1:10, 6:19, 13:13, 15:3+4. Talking about the Holy Spirit living in us and the importance of the ressurection…amazing how many concepts i think they already know and then i find we need to stop and explain.
Hannah Crandall is home from the hospital. i haven’t really heard anything specific, but i think it is good. thank you for praying.
i’ve been having a great time with John. Friday night we stopped in to say hi to friends who were swing dancing. Carina, Josh, John and i had a great time in the middle of the floor, making up something interesting…John’s favorite was “the finger” (the slightly disco-like move, twirling your finger in the air) which he proudly demonstrated after he got over his shyness. Johnny quote: “Rachel, i have a cavity. but don’t worry, it just came out.” it made me worry about what exactly he thinks a cavity is and what came out of his mouth…
after finding out that my boys Devon and Andrew have myspace…my resolve has been broken down and last night i took the plunge…
but i haven’t figured out how to add any friends…PLEASE ADD ME or do something to make it easy for me to find you…and to all those (MYSSI and DANI!!!!) who have told me their myspace names in the past, please do so again.
Larry cut his hair. all of it. Larry’s hair was Larry. this is a big step. i’m proud of the guy. who could walk in bald to the youth center and have 30 kids stop and stair and not be fazed? i should find a before and after picture of Larry. Larry’s fro was longer than my hair.
Two guys stole Mark’s shoes. whether or not they were on Mark’s feet at the time still remains a mystery. but his mom came up and filed a police report about it yesterday. fun. not. And more drama with Indaisha’s nose getting broken. by one of the boys that comes to the center. he’s normally laid back, so why he is hittting her, and what Cedric is now going to do about it…all remains to be discovered. and the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.
i kept stats for the first basketball game of the youth center…Rockets? oh, what is their official name? i don’t remember. anyways, the boys from the center. we won–68-60. Johnny was the high scorer with 23 points and 20 rebounds. nice. the game actually went about 10 extra minutes because the guy keeping the scoreboard kept forgetting to start the clock. whoops. Sara’s gone. it was great to be working with one of my best friends over Christmas. she’s gonna have a banging semester at Northland.
John has been coming with me to the youth center a couple days this week. except for getting a bloody lip in the ball pit, he’s done pretty well. Sara had a hard time keeping a straight face when he raised his hand to answer a question in Bible study. the question? “What is sin?” John’s answer? “When you call someone a ‘Butterbutt’ ” Well, that pretty much reveals A LOT about life at the Winzeler house, doesn’t it?
you know what is the messiest part of the house? right next to the trash can. that hit me as being very philosophical. while i was cleaning the house. i started my internet classes…intro to psychology, intro to human services, intro to politics, and drug and substance abuse. actually, i like the drug book the best. just because i can yell “hey, don’t bother me right now, i am reading my drug book!”
Anna is amazing. too bad she thinks my xanga is “soft” or…what was the word she used? i don’t remember, but it wasn’t flattering, and she won’t read this note of praise. she went and played piano at a nursing home yesterday. she’s been working every day at Spaghetti factory or Aldis–putting in up to 9 hour shifts. and she cleaned her room today. i even SWEPT THE FLOOR. so don’t worry Mommy, life is good. i even put away the Christmas decorations today…er…a couple weeks after Christmas.
hmm. i taught 1st grade today. went shopping and bought toothpaste. i feel like a “momma.” My mom’s in California, *better be* enjoying her trip with my incredible Aunt and Uncle.
My boy was convicted of vandelism. another interesting fact…one boy came to the center, just out of Juvenile for robbing…the house of someone else who was here from the center. a little tension in the air.
and then…the yearly sleepover
Indaisha, Erica, Lisa (Sara’s friend) Onisha, and Kenisha
Sarah (Sara’s friend), Jamanisha, Savannah, Princess, and Tisha–who won our scavenger hunt. i thought it was a nickname (Princess) but it isn’t. It was cute to call her it, but she got teased a lot. i would have been an emotional wreck taking all that joaning.
What is a sleepover without food?
We were drawing “the man” a.k.a. Tweety
This picture is our secret. blackmail.
i now know how to make myself understood. i have a list.
What it do
Word up
What goin down
Waz happenin homie
What’s crackalackin/crackin= Hello, how are you?
Duces
Peace
Aight then
Holla/ holla back
Gotta bounce= Goodbye, see you later
I’m straight = I am fine
coo, calm, and collected
g-d up = very nice
Fresh to def
Tight
Killer
On point
Boated
Fly
Cheese= money
Cheddar
Dough
Paper
Bread
Cake
Benjamins
Chips
Stacks
G’s
Kabuski = ok
Fo shizzle my nizzle
Right on
Aight
Oreo = white person
Light skinned
Ashy
Wigga
Cracker
Ninja = black person
Charcole
Popo = police
Da boys
5-0
cherries and berries
Ballin’ = having money
Grill = set of gold teeth
Bling-bling = jewelry
Gistenin’
Icey
Saused = you just had a joke pulled on you/ teasing
On you
Bird
Yack-up
Joinin
Rocks = drugs
Cancer stick
Powder
White girl (i am offended)
Dem = them
Dat = that
Dos = those
Boy/ girl boo = stop it
Boy/ girl bye
G = gangster
Four corna hustla
Squad up = to fight
Bang about it
Hoody
Boot up
Nuck if you buck
It’s whatever
On my momma (or other family members) = I promise it is true
Krunk = hyper
Peeps = friends
Beef = trouble, problems
Hit = something that is ugly
Toe up
Busted
Crib = home
Watch yo back = be careful
I got yo back = I’ll help/ protect you
Dime piece = a pretty girl
Breezy
Fine
Tims = Timberland brand boots
True dat = that is true
A lame = someone who isn’t important/ cool
Nutin
Chump change
Twisted = wrong
A hater = someone who talks behind your back
Fake
Is it true? is there a love out there that i haven’t tasted? is there more?
More than what i see, more than what i want or could ever be?
is there a love that will urge me on
that will make me forget my life completely
to live all for the sake of another
to give the sacrifice not just of life but of time
of every minute denying myself. of every opportunity to make them smile. to make something so real to them that they see it past all reality around them
where the cold world never hits. where the pain is always worth it. and death is only another card in the game.
***
I saw “life is beautiful.” and recommend it. no sex, drugs, language (it is in Italian with English subtitles–they don’t cuss in English at least) or blood–only the violence of the setting in a concentration camp makes it PG-13. intense. and my new favorite movie. please see it. very few times do you see such pure love, sacrifice, and beauty portrayed. it makes you evaluate the great LACK of love in your own life.
***
Beauty encompasses all that makes us want to live higher. a ‘beautiful soul’ normally has nothing to do with looks. a ‘beautiful moment’ you cannot even see. It is what we attach to the things that stir our soul, that awakens our longings, that arouses our passions–that makes us want to live outside of where we are. beauty is a choice to see reality as more than what is presented–as something we haven’t quite figured out–and want to devote our lives to the quest. Life is beautiful.
I know so little of you God. Life is beautiful because You are beautiful. it is shattered and we must look hard and long to find those beautiful pieces. and when we hold them up to the light the rainbows that shine through give us a glimmer of Your face. and i so seldom stop to find them. to see it. to know You. Why is the painful beauty a part of you too?
My life is so shallow. i only know how to live for myself. i only know how to motivate myself with what i want. in the end i am stubborn enough to only do it if it is the best deal for me. my life is empty. what is of redeeming value and what is my facade of reality for me? i can’t love. and i don’t even want to because it hurts too much. it’s too time consuming. it will take my life from me–the life i want to live. oh God i want to live–but i am trapped–trapped in wanting to live.
A little sadder
a little wiser
a little more aware of who i am
a little braver
a little bolder
a little less dependent on what you think
a little less naive
a little more alive
a little more positive of my inadequacies
a little more questioning
a little less positive
a little more sure that nothing is sound
a little less optimistic
a little more fearful
a little more determined to face life head on
a little less dependent
a little more controlling
a little more upset with what i do
What can you say for a year
but that it is gone
what can you say for 2006
but that it is done
what can you say i’ve learned
but that i am alone
a little more determination
a little less discipline
a little more sure that forgiveness is not optional
a little more love
a little more pain
a little more surrender that does not deny reality
a little more truth
a little less hiding
a little more sin that must be owned up to
a little more accountability
a little more responsibility
a little less qualified to rise to the occasion
a little more searching
a little less answers
a little more confident that i don’t need to know
a little more anger
a little more repentant
a little more certain of His heart
what can you say for a year
but that it is gone
what can you say for 2006
but that it is done
what can you say that i’ve learned
but that i am only one
one of 6.4 million
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