March 21, 2007

• Drivig to Recife. David set u the comuter
  ad i am listeig to music ad for some reaso, it wot tye a letter—the oe after m.
  heh. so fuy how life turs out. without the letter after m. or the letter after
  efore q. or the letter after a… Last ight i laid o my ed.. i heard a quiet
  ivitatio. To meet with my fried, my lover, my kig, i wet out siletly o the
  ourch. i saw some stars. saw the lights. ad i saw the frog. ye. quietly,
  siletly hoig/walkig across the footall field. vulerale. oe. willig to risk it
  all for what…a walk i the moolight? the whiser…e vulerale. e oe. quit eig
  ashamed of your thoughts, emotios, ai, tiredess…this is all art of you—ad i
  love you. all of you.” (and here David fixes the computer)

  Are emotions right or wrong, or only what
  we do with them? is it wrong to feel tired and sick of doing something, or only
  wrong if i let that attitude affect my day? Is what is really wrong when we
  hide what we think and feel and then try to be something else? or when we let
  the guilt of feeling those things stop us from living today? 

  i can feel the waves of the beach already.
  the eternity running farther until my eyes fail me, let me down, and the horizon
  fills me with a ache. that i cannot see. places i have not been and cannot go
  to.

  why do i want to cry right now? why is
  everything so beautiful out my window? why cant it just leave me alone. if i
  dont see the beauty i wont have the pain. i wont know what i am missing. i will
  have the bliss of ignorace. which some days, is the greatest gift.

  Trees are a call to the wild. They are a
  calm innocent symbol of all that is good and lasting and pure. sitting in one
  is good therapy. higher up where the wind always calmly blows. rest your ear
  against the cool bark and hear the gentle movement. close your eyes and
  disappear. 

  God? how did you think of this? this whole
  thing. living. life. waking up one morning and everything changing. or other
  mornings never changing when all you want is some kind of movement to know you
  still have feeling. how much of this stuff is your idea and how much of it is
  our warped selves creating?

  Things iĺl never say—Averil

  im tugging at my hair

  im pulling at my clothes

  trying to keep my cool

  i know it shows

  im staring at my feet

  my cheeks are turning red

  searching for the words inside my head

  feeling nervious

  trying to be so perfect

  because i know youre worth it

  know your worth it

   

  they dont do me any good

  just a waste of time

  what use it is to you

  whats on my mind

  if it aint coming out

  it aint doing you any good

  so why cant i just tell you that i care

   

  CHORUS:

  if i can say what i want to say

  say i wanna blow you away

  be with you every night

  am i squeezing you too tight

  if i can see what i want to see

  i wanna see you down with me

  marry me today

  yes im wishing my life away

  with these things ill never say

   

  whats wrong with my song

  these words keep slipping away

  i stutter

  i stumble

  like ive got
  nothing to say

   

  i really like that song. whew.

  so i am pretty hot stuff at school. grin.
  turns out the fifth grade boys were having a deep discussion on how i looked
  better with my hair down during Geography class.. 

  i know what i want to do. paint murals all
  over Recife. everywhere. spread beauty. i really really want to do murals.
  maybe if i get good, i can paint them all over the world. wherever there is
  ugly blankness. i want to fill it up with beauty. with hope. with a smile. God.
  i want to give. even if it will be gone tomorrow. forgotten. i want this moment
  to count. to touch someone. break me out of my little cage. my little box that
  i call life. grow me!!!

  live today. do what you will. love with
  abandon. and dont look back. love is never wasted. and if you fall, fall
  running fast, running strong. then dont feel guilty, just get up and keep
  going. screw all those people who want to make you feel guilty for trying your
  best. for making honest mistakes. for rocking the boat. shed their opinion like
  the tree lets go of its leaves.
  

  • 1:50 pm
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