August 1, 2007

• i am going to Miami Monday, going to Brasil Tuesday, probably teach English by Wednesday, and have my first crisis by Thursday. Friday is still in question.

  i won’t have much internet access for awhile.

  leaving. maybe it is not so much the leaving as the no knowing. we would often hold on to our corner of hell that is familiar than reach for a piece of heaven that is unknown. i think it is good to leave when you are still wanted. when you still want to stay. it means you haven’t overdone it. it leaves some good times for the imagination.

  our last day housesitting. it has been a really nice vacation. i like having a house and two cats and not locking the doors and making holy messes and bike riding and house and people watching and jogging and finding secret parks and big screen TVs and Indian resturants and wiggly toes.

  i have these times of intense fellowship with Christ, and it is beautiful. i also have these times of great loneyness and questioning. the highs and lows seem to be alot greater than before. i want God. more every moment. sometimes i just feel so lost about what that means right now. it is hard to trust God. i am more empty in my life than ever before. i don’t see a single solid thing in my future. this is a hard and lovely place to be at. God fills up those lonely parts and i feel so satisfied. but other times it doesn’t matter how many friends or people i know…i am alone. alone.

  this time at home has been my first time since  i was 16 where i wasn’t working with people. helping people. where i wasn’t needed. it was hard. i felt useless and guilty because people are hurting and i am not doing anything about it. i felt like i was a waste as a person if i wasn’t doing somehing. so much of me has been what i do instead of who i am. it has been refreshing to relax and give it to God. let it go. let Him fill me.

  as far as my family…my biggest prayer was answered…they found a good church in fountain square. it is really good. not all about rules, but about loving God. Dad is getting up in the mornings and having time with God. Mom had some surgery stuff and is healing, but i don’t know about anything perminately being better. things are in the open so much more in our family. Dad is actively seeking a healthy relationship with Anna and i. it means the world to me. Anna went to Brasil and finished the semester. i love having time with her. she’s my best friend. i hope she learns the big lessons in life without too many complications.

  until Brasil then!

  • 12:21 pm
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