happy things:
Jambo are in season. just walk outside, grab a big long stick and poke them off the tree for breakfast
my gold-and-orange toothbrush makes me happy three times a day. almost worth having Anna take my old one
saw monkeys *LINDSAY!!!*
got my hand painted at a kids party, which is almost as fun as a temporary tattoo
my own room. big bed with stripped sheets.
i have Tuesday and Friday afternoons off
The Brasilian sun is better than the American sun
Watched everyone enjoy COOL RANCH DORITOS, only slightly squished in my trunk from the flight

sad things:
got emotionally fried and yelled at Karine. i blame it on “BLOOD DIAMOND” amazing and emotional movie.
Life. enough said, eh?
I’ve was relabeled a work-a-holic the first day i got here
They cut down a ton of trees. without trees it makes everything look dirty. BLEH.
My
Portuguese is rusty. basically, to get much better the general consensus
is that i’d have to get a motivation like a Brasilian boyfriend. i
think it would be easier to study my book again.
Contact with home has consisted of an answering machine

***
Miami
was good. the beach at night was great. i got lost inside some 5 star
resort, when all i wanted was a plain beach. i envied the people who
were there sleeping in the sand, it was such a perfect night. one day i
will join them. the lights from the city drowned out most of the stars.
i was going to swim but i realized i couldn’t see a thing and if i
drifted out to sea no one would even notice or realize it. at night you
can see nothing but emptiness, but you can feel and hear and smell it.
my roommates at the TROPICS hostel were two tipsy girls from Scotland
and a lady from Switzerland but now Boston. nice people. woke up early
for the sunrise. the sky was warm and pink and then a hot pink sun rose
above the fog off the ocean and declared itself ruler of the sky in a
blazing yellow. there is a sweet bakery with day old stuff for
breakfast. waiting for the bus was made entertaining by a couple who
spoke Spanish to me while i replied in Portuguese and we both nodded
and smiled and laughed at the right times while only understanding
about 50% of the conversation.

Am i lost in a dream
and when do i know i am not dreaming
is it all a dream
until we are awakened by
pain or love
and do we awake just to become
cynical or aching?

i don’t want to fly back to three months ago and start there. i want to start from where i am now.

“You must stay inside the gates”
“Why” i defiantly stated
“inside the gates you are safe”
“i am safe but not alive”
“why can’t you have your runs for freedom during respectable hours?”
“that would ruin the whole idea”
“what is the whole idea anyway?”
“something i can only find outside the gates.”

yes mom, i am safe in Brasil. i left another message on the answering machine.

i get a room all to myself. a big bed too. i have so many clothes. stuff. probably more than a Brasilian family.

the flight here was almost disgustingly simple and perfect. i almost wanted something slightly off so i would have a good story.

Miami was nice.

i have jumped into sorting and cleaning and organizing and…switching my brain onto being functional.

and that leaves for very little interesting to write.

So yes mom, i am in Miami. big tippers do get the best deals in life, i guess.

contemplating waking up early to see the sunrise on the ocean…

life is really good sometimes.

and sometimes even better.

and sometimes not. but we won’t think about that right now.

i am going to Miami Monday, going to Brasil Tuesday, probably teach English by Wednesday, and have my first crisis by Thursday. Friday is still in question.

i won’t have much internet access for awhile.

leaving. maybe it is not so much the leaving as the no knowing. we would often hold on to our corner of hell that is familiar than reach for a piece of heaven that is unknown. i think it is good to leave when you are still wanted. when you still want to stay. it means you haven’t overdone it. it leaves some good times for the imagination.

our last day housesitting. it has been a really nice vacation. i like having a house and two cats and not locking the doors and making holy messes and bike riding and house and people watching and jogging and finding secret parks and big screen TVs and Indian resturants and wiggly toes.

i have these times of intense fellowship with Christ, and it is beautiful. i also have these times of great loneyness and questioning. the highs and lows seem to be alot greater than before. i want God. more every moment. sometimes i just feel so lost about what that means right now. it is hard to trust God. i am more empty in my life than ever before. i don’t see a single solid thing in my future. this is a hard and lovely place to be at. God fills up those lonely parts and i feel so satisfied. but other times it doesn’t matter how many friends or people i know…i am alone. alone.

this time at home has been my first time since  i was 16 where i wasn’t working with people. helping people. where i wasn’t needed. it was hard. i felt useless and guilty because people are hurting and i am not doing anything about it. i felt like i was a waste as a person if i wasn’t doing somehing. so much of me has been what i do instead of who i am. it has been refreshing to relax and give it to God. let it go. let Him fill me.

as far as my family…my biggest prayer was answered…they found a good church in fountain square. it is really good. not all about rules, but about loving God. Dad is getting up in the mornings and having time with God. Mom had some surgery stuff and is healing, but i don’t know about anything perminately being better. things are in the open so much more in our family. Dad is actively seeking a healthy relationship with Anna and i. it means the world to me. Anna went to Brasil and finished the semester. i love having time with her. she’s my best friend. i hope she learns the big lessons in life without too many complications.

until Brasil then!