April 13, 2008

• I feel like something is growing in me. sometimes i wonder if it is a lukewarm plague because it is so calm. but really…it is something of…seeing that God is here. before i ask. while i am asking. learning that i don’t need to ask Him to come. but i want to and do anyway. and i think He likes that. He is so close that sometimes to ask Him to hold my hand is irrevelent. I am learning a trust that i do not have to hear “i love you” to know He loves me.

  i guess i am just trying to apply what i am learning in friendship to people to my relationship with God.

  For a long time my relationship with God was more of a “needy girlfriend/tough guy” thing. at least how i saw it. I did the dos and not the don’ts because i was going to make our relationship work. i was going to make it happen. i read the Bible every morning. went to every church service. If someone said this was how you got closer to God, i put it on my schedule to do. I constantly came before God, tugging on His robe and asking “Is this what you want? please tell me you love me. please tell me i am doing right. please give me the warm fuzzy feeling.” and it was a good time in life. because i went after it. and God was always there. When i asked, He answered.

  But then i started asking other questions. and sometimes He didn’t answer. sometimes He said i didn’t need to know. Sometimes He said that He, and He alone, was enough of an answer for me. And i struggled with that. i felt like these questions…the ones that did not fit in my box, were the most important ones. and that it wasn’t fair. i was tired of all the work i had to do to make “being a Christian” feel right.

  Then…somewhere along the way, i began to see that God was God no matter what. That He does not need me to stand up for Him. He does not need me to read my Bible and pray and go to church. He does not need me to make this relationship work. It is not my responsibility to make it work. But something inside me wanted to see if this was for real. i wanted to test it. and i put my Bible on the shelf. i hid in my room and did not go to church. i pushed the boundaries and looked at Him with all the rebellion i could muster up and said “I dare you to walk away. to punish me with silence. to get mad and say you do not love me anymore. to give up on me.” Something in me was so scared that He would. and i wanted to make it happen fast to get it over with so i could shut down everything and never be hurt again. but God didn’t leave. He didn’t give me the silent treatment or make me do penance. During those times were some of the sweetest moments…after i had yelled at God, the words of hate rolling around my tongue. and that made me even more scared. because then i loved Him even more and it would hurt even more if He left me someday.

  I don’t know how i came to see that that day was never going to come. it wasn’t something i can put my finger on, but it happened. If i do not read my Bible, it is not to feel guilty. He is not going to glare at me. Now i want to read it because i want Him. i am hungry. i pick it up like i open the refrigerator door–not because i am maintaining a relationship. I am not reading until i fill a deadline, i am reading until i am filled up. satisfied. Same thing with church…i go because something has “dinged” in me and said “hey, remember that ‘fellowship with others’ thing? you need that because something is empty in here.”

  somewhere, i think i finally understand that He loves me before i ask. not because of what i do, but just because He chose me. It is a no-strings attached deal. i cannot pin Him down. i cannot control Him or make things go my way. Yet he makes these promises to me: “I won’t leave. i won’t change. i love you and always have and always will.” And these promises are bigger than me. They come to me–i didn’t ask for them. It is the ultimate friendship that won’t wake up one morning and not feel like calling me. I don’t worry about His issues or if He will be grumpy or i will say something and have to make it all better. It is the ultimate relationship–i never have to worry about rolling over in bed and finding that He is not there, or that pit stomach feeling when He is struggling or hurting and i cannot help him or do anything to solve it. It is not my responsibility to cheer him up or have an answer.

  and some days i wake up and realize it has been a couple days since i have had intimacy…a real conversation with God. But it isn’t guilt that crushes me…i turn over and say “hey stranger…how is it going?” we talk and catch up. and i smile and sigh because i have missed the closeness and i tell myself not to let it happen again because THIS IS THE LIFE. but it does happen again and life becomes like a fog until i wake up and wonder where i was…because i sure wasn’t living. i forget like this a lot. I live in the fog. maybe living is just learning how to remember. that God is here. That He loves me. That He isn’t leaving. That He is mine and i am His and that is a commitment in itself. a commitment bigger than me. a commitment that won’t break even if i do.

  • 2:32 pm
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