“You are a Christian

only so long as you look forward to a new world

only so long as you constantly pose critical questions to the society in which you live and

only so long as you emphasize the need for conversion both for yourself and for the world

You are a Christian

only so long as you do not let yourself become established in a situation of seeming calm

only so long as you stay unsatisfied with the status quo and keep saying that a new world is yet to come

You are a Christian

only when you beleive that you have a role to play in the realization of this new kingdom and when you urge everyone you meet with a holy unrest to make haste so that the promise might soon be fulfilled

so long as you live a Christian, you must keep looking for a new order, a new structure, a new life.”

–Henri J.M. Nouwen

(note…don’t think i am saying if you are not doing these things you are not saved…i am not going into doctrine and theology here…this is a challenge to step up from a book called “With Open Hands.”)

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all” –Helen Keller

and people say i am a “dreamer with her head in the clouds.” they shoulda met Etty Hillesum. she was a prisoner as Auschwitz during WW2:

“She had epiphanies even in that most barren place. “Sometimes when i stand in some corner of the camp, my feet planted on Your earth, my eyes raised toward Your Heaven, tears sometimes run down my face, tears of deep emotion and gratitude.” She knew the horror. “And i want to be there right in the thick of what people call horror and still be able to say: life is beautiful.” Hillesum concluded, “For once you have begun to walk with God, you need only keep on walking with God and all of life becomes one long stroll–a marvelous feeling.” –Philip Yancey

how can i be stuck in normal life, without seeing the beautiful…when she could see it in a concentration camp?

“Look for flickers of God in unexpected places. the ancient Celtics believed in what they called “thin places.” these places where the natural and supernatural worlds come together at their narrowest, with only a thin veilbetween them. when you’re in a thin place you’re able to catch a glimpse of God, and it becomes easier to sense his presence.

Have you ever watched a movie and suddenly had your heart clench up? something happened in the movie and for a moment you came alive…perhaps it was that the story you saw portrayed on the screen was really God’s story. The theater had become a thin place. maybe you’ve had a similar experience driving down the road. radio blaring, singing along, then stop–a phrase in the song sparked for you; it was something in the words. your car had become a thin place. or you were walking along on the beach and you looked up at the mesmerizing sunset. you couldn’t take your eyes off it. without thinking you found yourself saying thankyou. to what? to whom? you haven’t even thought about God in who knows how long, but something inside breaks open and is filled with a divine warmth. that beach had become a thin place.” –Vince Antonucci “I Became a Christian and all I got was this Lousy T-shirt”

yesterday, my thin place was walking into my aunt’s house, where my grandparents used to live. where for 2 and a half marvelous months of my life, i lived with them and helped them out…and got to know them before they died. i stepped in, the door croaked just as it always did, and it smelled the way it always had. and my nose tingled and i blinked in the garage darkness. and i said thank you.

Do you know what i really want to do? hide in this bathroom. curl my feet up so no one can see that i am here, like i used to do when i was seven and we played hide and seek at church with the boys. they couldn’t come in the girls restroom, but they would open the door and peek. we would hold our breath until the door squeaked closed again. but no boys are chasing me here now. just reality. thoughts and wonderings about the future. i am holding my breath and waiting for the door to squeak shut again. but it isn’t, and my heart keeps pounding.

*

i wonder if there will ever be one moment that i feel like my life will fall into place. i wanted to look at that lady and hear her say “yes, you will recieve your visa in 10 days.” i wanted to know by her voice that everything would be fine and i would have a wonderful life in Brasil and…

i am missing an official seal on one of my documents. that i can only do in Indianapolis. so a trip to Chicago for nothing. but everything else is complete…so i can mail it in…which means another 2 or 3 weeks of waiting. but it should be fine. it should. why doesn’t my stomach believe it? why can’t i just live…as it comes? accepting the fact that i am never going to hear a voice say “yes, your life is in order.” and that be the end of it (ok. well. death. but whatever). every decision is only the beginning of another road.

just like some people think getting married is the end of it. no more guesswork. what? whatever! went to my cousin’s wedding last weekend, and getting married is anything but the end of anything–the end of being single is completely eclipsed by the beginning of being together. clean slate. when i get my visa it is the same deal. the lady said 4 years. i should get the 4 year visa. looking at the words “4 years” on paper makes me want to run away and hide. cut out to some big city far away where no one knows me. no expectations. no one to know. will i always have that tug–against all i know i REALLY want but freaks the heck out of me?