July 15, 2008
-
I feel like i’ve got this hazy time from outta no where. i don’t know what to do with myself. it is like borrowed time, or time that isn’t mine. or time i feel guilty using. i wake up wondering if today is the day the visa shows up. or not. and if not…what a blank piece of life is in front of me.
i don’t want second goodbyes. goodbyes are hard enough for the first time. i don’t have enough emotion left for second goodbyes.
so i am am grumpy sour plum. i don’t want to be with people and say “yes, i am still here.” i don’t want them to feel sorry for me. i fall in and out of playing the blame game and feeling sorry for myself and saying what i “coulda shoulda” done. i can feel myself being completely self absorbed and it is gross and i wonder how often any of us really forget ourselves and live for others.
i wanted a good story to tell. how one hour before the flight the visa miraculously showed up. i was ready, too. and it didn’t happen. nothing happened except a bunch of desperate phone calls. and i felt let down. unfair. i had done everything right. i didn’t deserve this. you know–when you do things right, God is obliged to work it through or something. right?
i felt like yelling to God “This is my life that you are messing with.”
instead, i yelled “It is always going to be something, isn’t it?”
if it is not waiting on my visa…there is always going to be something “not right” or “not fair” or something that just doesn’t fit. every day of my life. it is part of life (that made me want heaven even more). so what about it? Does God still work for all of it? all the “somethings?” am i still waiting to see if one day God “doesn’t work” for me anymore? am i only “doing things right” so i can get what i want?
no.
everything that was true yesterday still stands.
and i’ve got this gift.
and so this evening i rode my bike. all the way past downtown. and John and i are sleeping on the trampoline. and maybe tomorrow i will go to Brasil.
