November 28, 2008
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I was on the bus early this morning. A man with pens in his pocket started talking in the middle of the bus. I immediately pretended to be asleep. He was asking for money. And I had some. Which is worse then when I don’t. With my eyes closed I still hear him, talking about loving our neighbors. He is working with poor children in Carpina. Probably doing things a lot like Living Stones. But I didn’t want to hear him. I wanted him to go away. It was too early to think, too early to give. My stop came soon and I brushed past him, still in the early stages of his speech. I got off the bus and looked down.
I want to be the kind of person who can think about others. But instead, I am too wrapped up in my own life. I am dealing with what I need to do, what I want to do, and what I wish those around me would do. I can’t even reach out and say “hey, you seem to be doing the same thing as me, I am glad we are on the same team.”
I watched the new 007 movie. It is one of those things that gets you all hype and excited and I was determined I was going to look like THAT by the end of the movie. Begin a new plan of regulation, discipline, and exercise. I am going to be stuck with this body until I die, and I might as well make the best of it. I am always saying I want to look better…and yet my words mean nothing because I never change in the end.
A friend asked me what I wanted. Just me. After everyone else was gone. Forget about ministry, family, responsibility…what did I want? Part of me wants to get the body I wanted, get the education I wanted, and look the part. Part of me just wants The One, and then everything else doesn’t matter. But if I can’t have him, then what? So that is where I am. I am scared of what I really want, so i am stuck in the world of second best, trying to make the most of it.
Comments (2)
Aren’t we all there? The world of second best? If this isn’t too personal, I’d like to recommend it, because I think a lot of my readers can identify with this. Let me know.
@GreekPhysique -
sure! recommend away. i am glad it hits home to more than just me.
hey…i enjoy keeping up with your life through xanga.
til heaven, eh?